Shadows of the Past
by zzzaney
Summary: Ayla's childhood isn't the only thing she can't remember. A continuation from A Moment of Eternity.
1. Default Chapter

Body PLEASE READ "A MOMENT OF ETERNITY" FIRST. THIS IS THE CONTINUATION OF THAT STORY. 

The days passed quickly and much time was spent between the two groups compromising on a new way to live together. After all, they agreed, the Mother didn't like her children to fight.  
The first thing decided upon was the banishment of the 'holy man'. No one had ever known his real name, or his origin, but once Eflabin and his camp decided to stop following the misguided efforts, not totally intentional they surmised, of his both groups decided that would be the best course of action.  
He had shouted curses for the two groups, well, as best he could. After all his face was swollen quite seriously and a few of his front teeth were missing. The Altamian's had also decided that Jondalar had to leave, quickly. They gave him a little leeway since his mate had been nearly killed on their behalf, but the group didn't want him in their camp any longer. Despite the fact that the circumstances surrounding his loss of control had been great, it was a disgrace to the Mother to inflict harm on another. Karpin conceded that point. After all, Jondalar wasn't Poterian and he had to think of what was best for his people.  
Karpin also had agreed to help the Altamians prepare for the winter ahead, and they established tentative trading guidelines. If all went well in a few cycles they should have the groundwork established on a new kinship among these people.  
Jasepa had told Jondalar that as the swelling in Ayla's face went down, that perhaps her memory would return. Her side was healing nicely and the only thing that could be done for her now was to give her time and space to try and remember. She seemed receptive enough to the idea that she was his mate, and after 'meeting' the animals, quickly became used to having them around. The hardest part for Jondalar had been having to tell her why her breasts hurt. When she found she had a daughter, Ayla insisted on leaving to find her as soon as possible. She had manually expressed her milk as Jasepa had shown her so she wouldn't lose it, and that's how they came to leave the Willow camp of the Altamians. 

"Up there?" Alya asked, frightened.   
Jondalar wrapped his arms around her, comforting her. "Yes. Whinney is your friend. Our friend. You've raised her since she was a foal and have ridden on her back many times. There's nothing to be afraid of." He assured her.  
Karpin stepped up to them then. "Ayla, he speaks the truth. You ride her as natural as walking."  
Jondalar gave him a smile of gratitude and watched as Ayla tentatively approached the mare. When she reached out her hand, Whinney nickered causing Ayla to pull back. Soon her curiosity got the better of her and she was soon petting the horse. Before she knew it, she was in-between both horses vying for attention. Jondalar's heart soared as her laughter filled the air. How many times had he seen the three of them in that position?  
Karpin clasped him on the shoulder. "I'm sure she'll be fine in time. Tell everyone not to worry when you arrive. We'll probably head out in a few days ourselves. We want to go on a hunt with them to help them reestablish their food supply." Karpin looked over at Ayla. "She was right you know. If it wasn't for her, more blood would have been shed for no reason."  
Jondalar nodded. "I know. I just wish she'd think of herself first sometimes."  
'Mmhh." Karpin nodded.  
Jondalar helped Ayla onto Whinney's back, then took the leather strap he made to help guide her in his hand as he leapt onto Racer's back. He signaled the horses to go, and Wolf, Midnight and Thunder raced to catch up when they saw their 'pack' leaving. 

  
Ayla placed the wood she'd gathered in a pile and looked around. Jondalar had told her to set up camp while he hunted nearby for fresh game, but she was too embarrassed to tell him she didn't know what to do, so she nodded.  
She knew that they'd need a fire and had gathered the wood, but beyond that....she didn't know how to get the wood to make a fire. Feeling frustrated, she threw the last piece into the pile and jumped slightly when she felt a wet nose on her. She looked over at Wolf who was whining.  
She tentatively reached over and petted the large animal the way she'd seen Jondalar do it, but it still scared her to be with all the animals alone. She watched the sun slowly start to sink into the sky not knowing what to do. From what Jondalar had told her, she should have been at home here. He'd told her of how he'd found her, and their travels. She had the feeling that he was leaving some things out, but didn't push.  
A rustling in the trees caught her attention and soon Jondalar reappeared with a large rabbit. His smile faded when he looked at her sitting by the tree, her knees curled up with her chin resting on them. Ayla quickly sat up and turned from him, wiping her eyes.   
"I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I couldn't remember."  
Jondalar dropped the rabbit and took her hands in his. "It's all right Ayla. You'll remember in time. Please don't cry." He gently cupped her cheek with his hand, rubbing a tear away with his thumb. "I'll take care of everything. You rest. It's been a long day."  
Ayla nodded and he went over to the horses. They still were strapped to their bundles and she watched as he relieved them of their burdens, then pulled out a ground cloth. She was watching everything he did, so she would learn quickly. For some reason, she didn't want him to think she was dumb or slow. She *had* to learn quickly. 

~~~~~~~~~ 

Jondalar was quiet while he cooked the rabbit. He was amazed at the variety of edible plants around their campsite, and that worried him all the more. Ayla didn't seem to recognize any of them. He dug some roots up and added them to the cavity of the rabbit along with some other greens he'd found. She watched his actions intently, but said nothing.  
Jondalar took the rabbit once it was done and placed it on a wooden platter. Making two cups of tea, he offered one to Ayla then sat the platter between them so they could share.  
Wolf had made a pillow of Ayla's leg, resting his head and she was absentmindedly petting him.  
"Here you go." Jondalar said as way of an opener as he handed her the cup.  
"Thank you."  
Wolf's ears perked up as Jondalar put the food down causing him to receive a stern look.  
"No Wolf. You'll get yours later."  
Ayla tore a piece of rabbit off and put it in her mouth. "mmm this is wonderful." She smiled at him.  
Jondalar smiled back. "I hope so. It's one of your favorite ways to prepare rabbit. I only hope I came close to the way you do it."  
Ayla looked down at her hands. When she looked back up at Jondalar, there was a question in her eyes. "Why can't I remember any of it? What's my favorite flower? Or how old I am? It's as if I was just born!"  
Jondalar wished he could give her a definite answer. He wished he could tell her that she'd regain her memory and everything would be fine, but he couldn't. she always seemed to know when he wasn't being totally truthful, and the last thing he wanted was for her not to trust him.  
"I don't know Ayla. Doni must have a reason for this. I'm sure you'll remember in time. Just give your body a chance to heal first."  
Ayla rubbed at her breast, frowning. "how long before we reach the Poterians?"  
"We should arrive by mid morning tomorrow. Don't worry, Tholiza will be waiting for us to return."  
"It all seems so strange. I see pictures in my mind, but only bits and pieces. Nothing that I can make sense of."  
Jondalar perked up at her comment. Perhaps this was the first sign of her getting better. "What kind of pictures? Try and describe them."  
Ayla concentrated on the images she'd seen. "I see a cave, but no people. And plants, but I don't know what they are. When I sleep, the earth shakes and I'm terrified but I don't know why."  
Jondalar went to Ayla's pack and pulled out her amulet and her otterskin medicine bag. Taking them to Ayla, he laid both in front of her. "Do you recognize either of these?" he knew that they were probably the two most important objects to her and hoped it would trigger her memory.  
Ayla sat up and reached for the pouch, a moment of familiarity hitting her. Before she touched it though, her face clouded over and she frowned. "ItI'm not sure." She then picked up the red otterskin bag and looked it over. Turning it in her hands, she lifted the head and looked inside. Giving Jondalar a questioning look, he nodded and she poured the contents out in her lap. Many little leather pouches came out tied with sinew, knots on the cords. She opened one up and looked at Jondalar for assistance.  
"this is your medicine bag. You're a healer. The best I've ever seen. Your Clan mother taught you from a very early age."  
Ayla nodded. "What is this?"  
Jondalar pulled her hand closer and looked at the crushed plant. "That's golden thread. You've told me that its good for bites and stings." Ayla nodded and tried to pull her hand back, but became aware that Jondalar was still holding it. She looked at their hands entertained as his thumb caressed her skin. She took a deep breath, wondering why such a touch would make her belly feel as if it were on fire. Ayla gasped in response to the unfamiliar sensations running through her, and looked up.   
Jondalar's piercing blue eyes captured hers and she felt drawn to him. Without really knowing what she was doing, she leaned towards him. Jondalar met her halfway and their lips locked.  
Ayla's lips parted and Jondalar took advantage of the invitation leaning her back onto the ground cover. His hands played across her body causing Ayla to moan and arch up to him. The sensations were so new to her, but they felt so right. She didn't know what was happening to her body and it was a little frightening.  
"Stop!" she pushed on his chest and Jondalar pulled himself up on his elbows, looking down at her as he tried to control his breathing. "whatI'm sorry."  
Jondalar helped her to sit up. "Don't be sorry, it's my fault. I should have known you wouldn't be ready."  
Ayla couldn't look at him as he moved away. He didn't seem upset with her, but she was upset with herself. Why did her body act like that? It was frightening. She didn't know what to do.  
Jondalar stood and tried to find a comfortable position. His desire was strong and he knew he'd have to take care of it. "I'muh..I'm going to get some more wood." He stammered as he backed away, then turned quickly to disappear into the trees.  
After he'd gone, Ayla looked up in the direction he'd went. Her fingers gently tracing her lips where his had been not too long ago. Part of her didn't want him to leave, but the other part was afraid of what would happen if he'd stayed. 

When Jondalar returned, neither knew what to say. Ayla was still trying to process what the new feelings meant, and Jondalar was embarrassed from what he'd just done. After all, the Mother didn't like her gift to be wasted in that manner.  
The evening passed slowly and finally Jondalar rolled out their sleeping furs. He had decided that they didn't need to take out the tent, there wasn't any chance of rain tonight.  
Ayla took her shirt off, then her foot coverings and leggings. She crawled into the furs and looked over at Jondalar. She was warring with herself over what to do. After Jondalar had told her that she was his mate, she had asked Jasepa in private what that had meant. It was difficult to speak with each other, neither knew the others language, but finally Ayla figured out that mated couples shared furs.   
Since Jasepa had told her that, she became more confused. Jondalar didn't share her furs. And he didn't seem to have any of his own. Did they used to share furs? It would seem so, but. Deciding that she couldn't make him sleep on the cold ground again, Ayla cleared her throat.  
"Jondalar, would you like to share my furs?"  
Jondalar's head whipped around to look at Ayla, a lump forming in his throat. The way she was looking at him as the firelight danced in her hair, and her eyes he felt himself harden again. Was she actually asking what he thought she was? He couldn't form a coherent sound, so instead he nodded and took off his own clothes.  
Once naked, Jondalar slid in beside Ayla and she scooted over to make room for him. Turning on her side, she felt his arm go around her waist, being careful not to touch her incision. Her body started to respond to his closeness and she was just about to bid him goodnight when she felt a steady pulse of heat against her backside.  
His hand had traveled up her torso and now cupped her breast. She turned to face him, curiosity winning out.   
"What is that?" she asked with wonder. Jondalar blushed a bright red as he realized just how much she didn't remember.   
"That's well, that's my.my manhood."  
|Ayla sat up further to look at him. "It's moving on it's own."  
Jondalar didn't think he could become anymore embarrassed. "Yes, well, that's because I'm with you."  
Ayla looked up at him puzzled. "I don't understand."  
Jondalar reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Ayla's ear. How on earth could he explain this again? "When a man and a woman.share pleasuresa man places his manhood inside of a woman and gives her his essence." He took Ayla's hand and guided it to him. He closed his eyes and moaned when her fingers glided across him.  
"It's so soft. What else happens?"  
Jondalar didn't think he could control himself and his body shuddered in anticipation. He wanted nothing more than to lay Ayla down and make love to her all night long. He had to remember that it was as if she were still a child. To take her without her knowing exactly what was happening would dishonor the Mother.  
Instead, he rolled her over onto her back and gently kissed her. Pulling back, he whispered, "They do this," and kissed her again, a little deeper. Once he started, he moved to her neck and placed light nibbles across her throat. He could feel her body tense beneath him, and used his hands to massage her body as he explored her.  
"This feels sogood." Ayla whispered as Jondalar moved lower down her body. Ayla tried to turn and a pain went through her side causing her to cry out. Instantly, Jondalar stopped and looked down at her with concern.  
"Did I hurt you?"   
"My side, it hurts."  
Jondalar pulled the furs back to see the rabbit skin that was wrapped around her wound stain red. "I think some of the stitches have come open. I'll make you some tea and check you."  
Ayla felt cold when Jondalar's warmth left her. She wished that.well, she didn't know what she wished, but she knew she liked the sensations he had caused within her. This 'sharing pleasures' was it anything like sharing furs, she wondered?  
Jondalar leaned over her, cleaning her wound and rewrapping it, then handed her a cup of willowbark tea. After she was settled, he once again crawled into the furs beside her and simply held her in his arms as she drifted off to sleep. 

  
Ranec held Tholiza to him, rocking her. Ever since Ayla had left and he'd had the long talk with Gandar, he wouldn't let anyone near the child except to nurse her. The past week had been hard on everyone. They didn't know what had become of their friends and family. With the wars being so bloody, they knew some of their camp probably wouldn't make it home. The tension that added to the unexpected funeral they held yesterday had everyone on edge.   
Ranec closed his eyes as the pain of losing his grandmother overtook him. She knew it was her time to go, despite what anyone else tried to tell her. The talk they had long into the night was something that Ranec would cherish the rest of his life.   
She told him that he would one day lead their people into a new era. He had basically laughed at her. How could he lead anyone? Sure, if he was still with the Mamutoi there was a strong chance that he would be the leader of his own cave. He had high standing and many women had wanted to share his furs. It wouldn't have been hard to find a co-mate.  
But here? He was one of the lowest status. He couldn't figure out why Gandar would say that he would help to bring about a new era. When she started talking about her great grandchild, he knew she'd been on the edge of the Mother's spirit world. By the first ray's of the sun, she had passed on to be with her daughter.  
They had tried to put the burial off to give the men a chance to return, but they couldn't wait any longer. They gave her a burial fit for one who serves. Ranec had to say good bye to the last of the kin that he had here among the Poterians. He couldn't think of anything that would keep him here now, except Ayla. Once again she had invaded his heart and mind. Perhaps she would be willing to take him on as a second mate? He doubted that Jondalar would allow such a thing, but he could hope.   
Looking into Tholiza's tiny face with her hair blond and eyes blue like her mother's, he allowed himself to pretend that she was the daughter of his hearth. What would it have been like had Ayla had a child of his spirit? Tricie had Ralev, and he was most definitely of Ranec's spirit. As much as he'd cared for her though, he couldn't bring himself to love another.   
Hugging Tholiza to him, Ranec stood with the help of the walking stick Utnab carved for him. Ayla had told the older man the idea that Jondalar had come up with, and as soon as he was able, Ranec was using it. He walked out of the cave into the morning sun and somehow just knew that today was the day that Ayla would return. Remembering Gandar's words, he slowly headed out of camp, holding the child tightly to him. 

Midnight and Thunder seemed restless, and darted in and out of the trees all morning. Ayla knew that they would reach the Poterian camp today and really hoped that when she saw her daughter she'd remember her. She was getting better at riding Whinney, and she studied Jondalar's back as he rode the other horse in front of her. He was still guiding the mare with the leather strap and for that Ayla was grateful. She didn't think she'd be able to get it to go where she wanted to go. 

"Hallo!" a voice called out, and Ayla leaned over to see past Jondalar. In the distance a man was waving at them. Jondalar's pace picked up, and Ayla held on tighter to Whinney's mane. It didn't take them long to come upon the man.  
"Ranec! What are you doing here?" Jondalar asked as he slid off Racer's back.  
"I was to meet the two of you." The carver explained, his eyes never leaving Ayla. Once she turned her head towards him, his eyes grew big. "Oh Mother! What's happened to you Ayla? Are you alright?" he blurted in Mamutoi. Ranec hobbled over to her, worry evident as Jondalar helped her off Whinney. "I'mI'm fine." She looked up to see his face for the first time, and found herself staring. His skin was dark! Like wood that had been burned.  
Tholiza fussed and Ranec tore his eyes away from the bruising on Ayla's face to smile at the child. He shifted her weight and looked at Jondalar and Alya. "Someone has missed you."  
Jondalar smiled ear to ear at their daughter, then looked at Ayla. She was staring at the child, then at him. When he nodded, she stepped forward and placed the girl in her arms. Instantly, her body responded and her milk came in. The child fussed, and Ayla lifted her tunic so she could nurse. Jondalar motioned for her to sit on a log and she did so, gratefully. He sat beside her, the carver all but forgotten.   
"Do you remember her?"  
Ayla stared down at the nursing infant and slowly shook her head. In barely a whisper, she answered. "No."   
Jondalar's shoulders slumped in defeat. He was certain that Tholiza would jog Ayla's memory. If she couldn't do it, what could?  
"Jondalar"  
he looked up at Ranec and the dark man motioned for him to come over. "What has happened to her? She's not herself." Ranec couldn't quite figure it out, but there was something different about the woman he was in love with.  
"She was almost killed." When Ranec started to say something, Jondalar shook his head. "It's a long story. Apparently the injuries to her head have caused her to forgeteverything. I've tried everything I know of to help her remember, but I don't know if it's possible."  
Ranec looked at Ayla again, longing and pity on his face. "I've heard of this, but haven't seen it myself. There was talks at one of the summer meetings a few years ago about a hunter who'd fallen off a cliff. Though he lived, his memory was gone. He didn't recognize his mate or her children. Not even his own mother. Tholie was talking about it at the tent one night. Others had said it is rare, but sometimes the person regains their memories. Other times, they have to start a new life."  
Jondalar hoped beyond hope that Ayla would remember. She *had* to remember. "What happened to the man?"  
"I'm not sure. I was too busy in other pursuits to pay too much attention at the time." Ranec remembered the summer at the one when Tricie was a redfoot. He'd spent most of his time trying to get her to share his furs. Now he wished he'd paid more attention.  
Ranec sat down across from Jondalar and Ayla. He was relieved to take pressure off his leg and side as he studied the trio. There was much to tell, and much he wanted to know, but now was not the time to ask. He felt like an intruder as he watched the woman he loved nurse her child with the man she'd chosen looking on. 

Everyone had been especially sympathetic, if not attentive to Ayla. Though most had never heard of one losing their memory, they could tell that she was being sincere. Ayla found the attention and sympathetic stares unnerving, and when she was sure no one was looking, headed out of camp. She just needed some time to herself, time to figure out who she was, or what she should do. She was surprised at how quickly she'd picked up the Poterian's language, but Jondalar assured her that she had a natural gift for languages, and that she'd already learned most of the language before.  
Ayla walked along the stream kicking stones as she went. She came upon a large rock jutting out of the water just where the water turned sharply, then fell about six feet to the stream below. It was a very relaxing place and she climbed on top of the rock, letting the sun heat her body.  
The partial memories she kept seeing when she was asleep, and sometimes when she was awake distressed her. It was as if someone was trying to tell her something, but she just didn't understand. Some of the pictures were frightening also.   
There was one, a man, though he looked different from the men around her now. He was broad with a flat head and jutting brow. He wanted to harm her, but she didn't know why. If this was the past that she'd forgotten, she told herself, then she didn't want to remember it.  
Other things though seemed pleasant. Her mate, Jondalar, always seemed to be smiling in her memory flashes. Thinking of him brought a tingle to her, and she wished she could remember what 'sharing pleasures' was like.  
"Ayla?"  
Ayla jumped and turned to see a woman standing a few feet from her carrying a basket.   
"Nadkar! I didn't hear you."  
Nadkar smiled and put her basket down. "I didn't mean to startle you. What are you doing out here?"  
Ayla smiled at her, then tipped her head up to the blue sky. "Enjoying the day." When Ayla looked back to the woman, she eyed the basket.  
"I was gathering some edible plants for dinner tonight, and also some for storage this winter."  
Ayla nodded and moved over so Nadkar could sit on the rock beside her. "I love this place. I've come here every spring and summer for years now. It's so peaceful."  
Ayla nodded in agreement, and dangled her feet into the water. It was so cool, she wanted to jump in and swim. Nadkar had told her that she couldn't do that until her side healed more.  
Ayla gave her a sideways glance. "Can I ask you something?"  
"Of course. If I can answer, I will."  
"Jondalar told me of this 'sharing pleasures'. He said a man puts his manhood into a woman and gives her his essence."  
Nadkar fidgeted slightly. "Yes....that's true."  
"Does it happen often?"  
Nadkar couldn't help but smile. "If two people like each other and find each other acceptable, then yes, it can happen alot."  
"So I should share pleasures with Jondalar?"  
Nadkar sighed. She really wasn't the one that Ayla should be asking, but Gandar wasn't with them. A fleeting pain swept across her face at the memory of the old woman. "As long as that's what the both of you want to do. It must be agreeable to both."  
"Do all women share pleasures with their mates?" Ayla asked. She was trying so hard to understand the concept.  
"Well, yes. But not just with their mates. If a woman wants to share pleasures with another, and the man is willing, then they do. Especially if it's a mother's festival. Most people honor the mother by finding a different partner for the night. A lot of women find themselves blessed after a festival, even if they'd tried a long time to have a baby."  
Ayla frowned as she thought of Tholiza. "I wish I could remember her." She barely whispered.  
Nadkar wrapped her arm around Ayla's shoulder and drew her in for a hug. "You will in time, Artmis willing."  
Ayla sniffed and straightened her shoulders. "I hope so."  
"Nadkar.....what...exactly...does sharing pleasures consist of?"  
"I...well, uh...actually, it's better to be shown. When girls have their first bleeding, they are opened in a ceremony by a man. That's when they learn of pleasures and what it all entails."  
Ayla nodded in understanding, then smiled at Nadkar. "Thank you. I think I understand now."  
"Good. I'm going to take these plants back before they wilt. Do you want to come along?"  
Ayla shook her head. "I think I'd like to stay here longer. I haven't been by myself in a while."  
"I understand completely."  
Ayla watched the older woman leave and then laid back on the rock, watching the clouds float past. 

  
Ranec smiled down at Ayla sleeping on the rock. He shook his head in amusement then nudged her gently. "Ayla, wake up."  
Ayla's eyes flew open and she gave him a brilliant smile that turned into a yawn.  
"I must have been more tired than I thought." She sat up and Ranec took the seat beside her. "How long have I been sleeping?"  
"I'm not sure. It hasn't been too long since you've left camp though."  
Ayla cocked her head at him. "You saw me leave?"  
Ranec blushed slightly. He couldn't tell her that he always knew where she was, and what she was doing. "I....yes."  
Ayla thought of all Jondalar had told her about Ranec. How they lived with him at Lion Camp and that she and he had been close. Jondalar didn't go into details, but she felt that if he trusted Ranec, then she could too.  
Ayla couldn't stop thinking about Jondalar, and how he made her feel. She wanted more than anything to 'share pleasures' with him, but didn't know how or where to start. But perhaps....  
Ayla smiled shyly at the dark man. "Ranec? Can I ask a favor of you?"  
Ranec smiled at her, revealing his heart though his eyes. "Of course. I'd do anything I possibly could for you Ayla."  
She turned about and leaned closer to him. Kissing him softly, she cupped her hand around his manhood like Jondalar had shown her. Pulling back, she stared into his startled eyes. "Will you show me how to share pleasures? Now?" 

Jondalar hammered the piece of flint he'd been working on, despite the fact that it was no good. He had tried everything he knew to help Ayla regain her memories, and it was too painful to be around her like this. More and more, he'd busied himself with his flintknapping, and now that he'd gone through all the flint he had, he found himself wasting his time with bad nodules.  
It was almost dark and he knew Ayla would be waiting for him at their evening meal. She was getting better at learning the basics of cooking, but it was nothing like how she could cook before. She didn't remember anything. Plants, teas, nothing.  
Sighing, he packed his tools away and went inside. She was sitting with her back to him laughing with Ranec. A fleeting moment of jealousy went through him as he remembered that horrible winter, but he quickly held it in check. She had chosen him, and that's all that mattered. Guiltily Jondalar chastised himself because he should have been more attentive to Ayla. Instead he left it up to the carver. Not intentionally at first, but when he realized that Ranec was spending time with Ayla, it gave him a reason to get away.  
After all, since they'd arrived Ranec seemed to know his place, and Jondalar respected him for that. He didn't think he'd have been able to be around the woman of his dreams and not be able to make love to her. Walking towards the two Jondalar smiled down at Ayla. 

Ayla looked up to see Jondalar and her breath caught. He was so handsome! She had been disappointed lately to not spend that much time with him, and when she did, he would seem distracted. She handed him a plate of food and then picked up Tholiza to nurse her. The flashes of memory she had were becoming more constant now, and she felt as if she were on the verge of remembering....something.  
It had been almost a half turning of the moon since she woke up to remember nothing and some part of her was beginning to accept the fact that she had to move forward, and start over. 

Jondalar felt his heart melt when Ayla smiled at him, and forgot all about the carver being there. He sat beside Ayla and watched her nurse their daughter as he ate, not paying attention to the food. He knew he'd been a fool and decided that he would not hide from Ayla because of some self pity he felt for himself. So what if she didn't remember their past? they could start again. He smiled again when he thought of how he'd show her he was willing to start again. Glancing outside, he hoped the evening would pass quickly so he could take her to their furs. She had seemed more than willing as of late, and he was beginning to lose hope that her memory would return. They couldn't put it off forever and he didn't want to. The constraint he'd shown these past days was wearing thin, and he wanted nothing more than to show her this instant how much he loved her. 

Ayla wondered why Ranec seemed sad when he'd left their heart earlier. She was puzzled by his reaction to Jondalar wrapping his arms around her, and kissing her. Perhaps he was sad that he didn't have a mate? She briefly wondered why he wouldn't. After all, he was handsome, charming, and funny. Certainly there would be plenty of women who would want to mate with him, Ayla thought. Even she wouldn't have minded if she hadn't already been mated to Jondalar. Thinking of him made her smile, and she shyly studied him in the light of their fire. He was holding Tholiza on his shoulder, walking back and forth trying to get her to stop fussing. The way he cared for the baby made Ayla feel warm inside, though she didn't know why. 

She laid back in the furs watching him, and finally he turned to see her staring at him and blushed. His eyes crept down to her breasts jutting out from the furs and he felt himself respond.   
Realizing that Tholiza had fallen asleep, he placed the baby in her furs, then shed his tunic and pants without taking his eyes off Ayla. Pulling the curtain closed, Jondalar leaned over her body and shuddered with wanting as he memorized every detail of her. When Ayla wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him near, Jondalar let out a sigh as he kissed her and got to know her all over again. 

Jondalar woke to empty furs and briefly thought the night before had been a dream. Sitting up, he noticed the curtain was pulled back and Tholiza was still sleeping. Jondalar stretched and knew he had to relieve himself so he looked for his clothes.  
Picking up the wrinkled garments he smiled. It wasn't a dream. They were still where he'd left them last night. As Jondalar dressed he picked up the cup of hot tea waiting for him and swirled the contents around in his mouth. Mint, chamomile, and....and.... He took another sip. Cranberries! Jondalar smiled at being able to solve another of Ayla's teas and down the liquid in the cup. Picking up the tizzle, he put it in his mouth, chewed the end as second nature and absentmindedly cleaned his teeth as he waited for Tholiza to wake so he could go out. He hoped it would be soon, he *really* had to relieve himself.  
Jondalar pulled his hair back and tied it out of the way. If the past few days were any indication, today would be very hot. He rubbed a hand across his face and decided that it was time to shave again. Of course it didn't take long for him to decide to bathe and gathered everything he'd need.   
Looking around the cave, he spotted Nadkar and walked over to her.  
"Good morning!" He smiled brightly.  
"Yes it is. You seem to be in high spirits." It was a pleasant change for the man. Ever since Ayla's accident, he'd been moody and not good company at all.  
Jondalar blushed and looked down. "Yes, I'm sorry about that. I suppose I haven't been good company lately."  
Nadkar shook her head and placed her hand on his arm. "It's understandable. Things will get better though. Would you like some leftover bore? I have some from last nights roast."  
"Perhaps after I wash. Would you watch Tholiza for me? I'm not sure where Ayla is and I'd like to shave and get cleaned up."  
"I saw her leave a little while ago. She was up early enough. I don't have anything I have to do right now, so don't you worry. Just go and have fun."  
Jondalar kissed the older woman on the cheek causing her to blush as he headed out of the cave. 

It didn't take him long to reach the stream, and he placed his belongings on a rock. Stripping, Jondalar jumped into the water and came up with a gasp. Though the day was starting off hot, the water was very cold. Jondalar shaved and bathed quickly and dunked under the water to rinse the rest of the grime off. Not wanting to get out yet, he decided to go for a swim upstream.  
Jondalar floated on his back as he watched the sun slowly move across the sky. He swam slowly, not really having anywhere to be. It was good not to be traveling and getting away from everyone was an extra perk. Something was nagging him about this morning, but he couldn't figure out what it was. Last night was wonderful and he'd missed making love to Ayla, but this morning? All he did was wake, get his things together and come to the stream. What could be bothering him about that? 

Slowly voices came into range and he was torn between going back downstream or continuing on his swim. Deciding to go just a little farther, he recognized the one voice as Ayla's. Curiosity got the better of him and he stayed near the shore where the brush hid his approach. When he rounded the small bend, he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Ayla and Ranec were laying on a rock, side by side. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~` 

Jondalar watched them for a few moments that seemed more like an eternity. They laughed so natural with each other, and Ayla would touch the man as they talked. Feeling his chest constrict, he quietly moved back down stream and once he was out of ear shot, started swimming as hard as he could, trying to vent his anger in the water. It didn't take him long to reach the spot where he'd entered the water, but he kept swimming as fast as he could. 

It wasn't until he came to a drop off that was impassible that he stopped and held onto a rock to keep from floating. Jondalar rested his head on his hands as he clinged to the rock, trying to catch his breath. He felt as if his entire life was spinning out of control. His people had shunned him, Ayla didn't remember him or Tholiza, and Ranec, Ranec was haunting him. If he didn't know better, he'd swear the Mother was punishing him for something. 

Jondalar shivered and slowing headed back upstream to his clothes. Chaotic thoughts swarmed through his mind and he couldn't process them. He wanted nothing more than to take Ranec by the throat and....and he couldn't believe that Ayla would still go to him! 

He tried to remind himself that Ayla didn't remember everything that had went on that year, but then, if she didn't would she still chose him? 

After all, she didn't remember that he was the one to introduce her to the others, or show her what pleasures were. Would she still choose him? He almost lost her one time, and didn't even want to entertain the thought again. 

Dressing, he walked slowly back to the camp thinking of what he could do. 

Jondalar collected Tholiza from Nadkar. She had taken the baby to be fed and she was changed. Jondalar gave her a grateful smile and went to the visitors hearth. He entertained the baby while he pulled out his and Ayla's traveling packs. Taking stock of what they had, and what they'd need, he replaced everything and waiting for Ayla to come back. 

Ayla smiled at everyone as she headed into camp. Her hair was wet from the stream and she positively glowed. Many heads turned in her direction as she made her way though the camp. She didn't seem to notice as she headed straight for her hearth. She knew she had to nurse Tholiza, and her body was protesting the extra wait. 

She saw Jondalar hunkered over the fire, poking at it with a stick and she gave him a brilliant smile for a hello. The way his eyes were guarded caused her smile to falter and she had the distinct feeling that something was wrong with him. 

"Good morning," she greeted as she sat down by the fire and picked up a skin. Filling it with water, she put it in the fire to boil. "It's a beautiful day out. I bathed at the river." 

Jondalar continued to poke at the fire, but quickly glanced up at her before looking down again. "Yes, it is good weather. Especially for traveling." 

Ayla looked at him puzzled, but didn't say anything. Jondalar cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "I've been thinking. We need to be going. If we don't start soon we'll have to winter here." 

"I thought you said that you wanted to winter here? Where else would we go? You said your people shunned us." 

"You don't have to remind me!" Jondalar yelled and immediately regretted his outburst. In a quieter tone, he continued. "I don't feel it's a good idea to stay here. If we leave now, in the next day or two, we can reach the glacier at the beginning of the Great Mother river by mid winter. That's the best time to cross." 

Ayla felt her head spin and her anxiety grow. This was the only home she remembered and he wanted to leave it. "Where would we go?" 

Jondalar stood and paced the small area. "I'm not sure. I thought we could visit the Sharamondoi again, perhaps live there. After all, we were made welcome and they asked to adopt you. To adopt both of us." He corrected. 

"But what about the people here? Wouldn't they take us in? And what about Ranec?" 

Jondalar spun around, anger flashed in his eyes causing Ayla to gasp. "What about Ranec?" He asked, his voice low. Though his actions scared Ayla, she wasn't going to back down. 

She squared her jaw and stood. "He's my family. You said so yourself. I was adopted into Lion camp. We can't just leave him." 

Jondalar balled his hand into a fist and turned from her, trying to calm his emotions. When he finally turned back he was calmer. "Ranec traveled her on his own. He didn't come with us. His family is here now. Who's to say that he'd even want to come along?" 

Ayla hadn't thought of it the way Jondalar had explained. "Well, we could at least ask him, couldn't we?" 

Jondalar wanted to shout No! At the top of his lungs, but restrained himself. He clenched his jaw so hard he thought his teeth would shatter. Before he said something he'd regret, he left the hearth quickly storming outside. 

~~~~~~~~ 

Ayla sat at the hearth, her bundles about her. She was supposed to be packing what she wanted to take with her, but she didn't even know what was in half of the packages. Shrugging, she opened the first leather tied package and was surprised when two small figurines tumbled out. 

She picked up the first one and smiled. It looked just like Whinney. She briefly wondered how she got it. Picking up the second, she recognized it as one of the Doni figures Jondalar had told her about. The Poterians had similar ones, she mused, but none of theirs had a face on them. Also, there's was made out of dark wood, almost as if it had been burned in a fire. She knew he had said to pack only what was necessary, and she couldn't think of a use for either of them. Placing them in a 'leave behind' pile, she moved to the next package. 

This bundle was bigger and it looked as if it hadn't been opened in quite some time. She wondered what was inside as she untied the thongs. Her eyes opened wide when she held up a tunic of pure white leather. The only decoration seemed to be the tails of a white animal, only the very ends of which were black. It was beautiful. She held it up to her chest and knew it was too big for her. Perhaps it was Jondalar's? She refolded it neatly and knew that he'd probably want to take it. 

She went through the rest of her belongings, and by the end she had a big pile of discards. A lot of dried plants she didn't even know the names for, as well as two small yellow stones and the figures from earlier. There was also the red otter bag that looked like it had seen better days and the beaded pouch that Jondalar said she used to wear around her neck. 

She looked up to see Jondalar near the entrance, and when Tholiza fussed, she dangled a set of knuckle bones in front of the baby. Her mind wasn't on the task though, and when Jondalar looked in her direction, she quickly looked down. She hadn't known what to say to him these past few days and the time they'd spent together in the hearth had been strained. 

She felt a light sweat break out when he approached the hearth, and busied herself with playing with Tholiza. 

Jondalar stared at the top of Ayla's head then around the hearth. He spied the items on the fur and went over to them. Another wave of misery went through him when he saw all of Ayla's most cherished possessions laying on the furs. 

"What are these for?" He asked. 

Ayla glanced at the pile and shrugged. "That's what I'm leaving behind." 

"Ayla! Are you sure? These mean a lot to you." He picked up the Doni he'd carved her all those summers ago. 

"They mean nothing to me. I don't remember any of them. I don't remember you. All I do know is that these people are the only family I have, and you are taking me away from them." She stood and walked away from Jondalar, leaving him slack jawed. 

~~~~~~~~ 

Activity stopped as Ayla ran from the cave, crying. Karpin stood to find out what was going on, but Nadkar shook her head. This was something they had to figure out on their own. Ranec had been outside carving for the first time in ages. He actually felt alive again. Renewed. Knowing it was because of Ayla, he wanted to give her something special. When Ayla ran past him, he looked back towards the cave and frowned. Jondalar wasn't coming out yet. Standing, he was glad his leg was healing, and was down to using only one of the walking sticks now. He turned to go in the direction Ayla had went when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

Ranec was not so gently spun around and surprised, almost stumbled. Jondalar was standing not a foot from him, his expression hard. Tholiza was on his back in the carrier. "She's my mate, and I'll be the one to go after her." 

Ranec stared him down as he stood straight. "She isn't a possession like a flint blade. She has a right to make up her own mind." 

"She chose me! Or are you forgetting that?" 

Ranec clenched the muscles in his jaw, finally he chose his words carefully. "You don't have to remind me, I remember. That's not what I was talking about. She doesn't want to leave. You shouldn't force her to go just because you're jealous of me." 

"Jealous! Hah! You certainly are full of yourself, aren't you?" 

Ranec shifted his weight so he was leaning more on the walking stick. "Then why leave? Why now? Where will you go? And what happened with your people? I thought you were going to settle down and start a hearth with her. At least if you would have stayed with the Mamutoi she would have had a home. People who loved her. But no, you had to be stubborn and drag her all the way back to your people. Where are they now?" 

Jondalar lunged forward and grabbed Ranec by the front of his tunic. The sudden movement scared Tholiza and she started crying. Others who'd been nearby and didn't want to interfere, now stood and came forward. 

Neither man moved as they stared into each others eyes. Karpin came forward and spoke in an authoritative voice. 

"Let him go Jondalar. Do not forget you are a guest in our camp." 

Finally the man's words sunk in and he let Ranec go with a jerk. Taking a step back, he finally tore his eyes away to look at he leader, only then noticing everyone had gathered around. 

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again. We're leaving in the morning. Thank you again for your hospitality." 

Karpin nodded and Jondalar pushed through the crowd to go find Ayla. 

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ayla sullenly rode behind Jondalar on Whinney. Silent tears ran down her face as she thought of all the people she'd left behind. She was more than a little frightened. Where would they go? How long would it take to get there? At first Jondalar was very tense when they left this morning, hardly wanting to wait until she said her goodbye's. As the day wore on though, he seemed to relax somewhat. 

Finally Ayla stopped Whinney and slid off the mare's back. She didn't say anything to Jondalar, and he kept going for a little ways. Finally Wolf barking in the distance caused him to turn around. Urging Racer into a gallop, he made it back to where Ayla had stopped. By the time he rode up, she was unhitching the travois from the horse. 

"Why have you stopped? Are you feeling sick?" He asked, concerned. 

She looked up at him, a stubborn set to her features. "No. I feel fine. I don't want to travel anymore today and I am making camp." 

Jondalar looked around the area. It wasn't a bad location, but it was still early in the day. They had at least a few more hours they could travel. Watching her, he nervously slid off Racer and rubbed his hands on his trousers as he approached her. 

"What...uh..what would you like me to do?" Jondalar now regretted his decision to leave the Poterians, but how could he go back? He'd announced to the entire camp that they were leaving, and embarrassed himself with Ranec. He couldn't possibly return now. When Ayla didn't answer, he went over and took a bundle from her placing it on the ground. 

"Look, I'm sorry. I just, well," Jondalar turned from her and started pacing. This wasn't easy for him to say. How could he explain it to her? 

"There's a lot more than you realize, history wise, between us and Ranec. When we met the Lion Camp, and wintered with them, Ranec vied for your affections. He almost won!" Jondalar turned to face her, hoping to see understanding. 

Ayla tilted her head as she studied him. "Perhaps you should tell me everything, once and for all." 

Sighing, Jondalar nodded and took Ayla's hand. He found a level spot and spread the ground fur out, and once they were settled started on his tale. 

********* 

Ayla didn't know what to say when Jondalar had finished. She didn't realize how much she'd hurt Ranec. And how much it must have hurt him to be with her everyday. Guilt wracked her as she thought of what she'd asked him. All that winter they'd shared pleasures, and here she was asking him to show her what they were! It all made sense now. The way Jondalar would look at him, and Ranec's looks in return. No wonder.... 

Ayla looked up at Jondalar with tears in her eyes. "Oh Jondalar. I'm so sorry. I didn't remember. There's so much I don't remember." 

Jondalar wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her to him. Ayla pulled back and stared at him, blushing. 

"I... I did something that probably hurt him more than I'll ever know." She whispered. Thinking of the story he just told her, she knew this wouldn't be an easy admission. "I....asked him to show me what pleasures were." 

She watched as Jondalar turned pale and stared at her. He didn't look too well at all, and then he closed his eyes as if in pain. 

Finally, he found his voice and choked out a reply. "I figured as much." 

"What do you mean by that?" 

Jondalar shook his head, and Ayla put her hand under his chin so he'd have to face her. "Tell me." 

"I....saw the two of you by the river." 

Ayla sat back puzzled. "You were watching me?" 

"No! I had went for a swim and heard voices. I saw you and Ranec by the water." 

Ayla folded her arms, her anger growing as she remembered the day she came back to the cave and he had bathed. "That's when you said we were leaving! You were jealous of Ranec spending time with me." 

Jondalar stood and walked a few steps away from her. Balling his hand into a fist, he wrestled with his inner demons. "Yes." 

Ayla stood and went over to him. "You were wrong Jondalar. I may not remember our past, but every time I look at you I....I come alive inside. I want to be with you in the furs and miss you when we're not. I do love Ranec, but not like I love you. He's a good friend. There's nothing to be jealous of. All you have to do is look at me and I know I never want to be away from you." 

Jondalar crushed Ayla to him and buried his face in her neck. "Oh Ayla, I'm so sorry." 

She held him back with all her strength and when he lowered her to the ground cover she felt herself respond, and gave herself to him willingly. 

The sun was barely in the sky any longer as Jondalar held Ayla to him. He let his hand trail down her back ever so slowly, sated and happy. He hadn't lost her. She had dozed lightly after their pleasures and he wished he could hold her like this forever. Tholiza had waken and Wolf was entertaining her. Both Midnight and Thunder had disappeared again, and he realized that in the past month neither cat had been around much. Perhaps they wanted to start their own pride? 

Tholiza started to fuss and Ayla stretched sinuously against Jondalar, reveling in his warmth. Opening her eyes she smiled at her mate and sat up. He also sat up and when Ayla pulled Tholiza over to nurse, he started a fire for tea. 

They ate a stew made from fresh bore meat they had with them, and a few vegetables. Ayla sat quietly for most of the evening, and when she was eating made a face. "This needs some antelope sage root." 

Jondalar looked at her shocked and Ayla blushed. "I didn't mean there was anything wrong with your cooking, but Iza used to make bore and it always tasted wonderful with the sage. I guess I hadn't really had bore since leaving the Clan and am not used to eating it any other way. Jondalar?" 

He was still sitting there, looking at her as if she was from the Spirit world. Finally he managed to squeak out, "you, you remember Iza?" 

Ayla frowned and looked at the fire, then smiled brightly as tears started to roll down her face. "I remember!" 

"YEAH!" Jondalar yelled startling everyone as he picked Ayla up and spun her around. "Oh Ayla, my beautiful Ayla! I thought I'd lost you forever!" He finally put her down but didn't let go of her. Ayla was laughing and crying all at the same time. 

"I....I remember. You, Tholiza, everything! How could I ever forget you?" She sobbed against his chest as he spun her around again. 

"This calls for a celebration!" Jondalar announced and Ayla looked up at him slyly. 

"How do you suppose we do that?" 

Jondalar leaned over and kissed her deeply, then moved to her throat. Tholiza started to cry and reluctantly the couple pulled back. Ayla smiled at him as she went to pick up the baby, ruffling Wolf's fur on the way. Gently, she picked up her daughter and placed her on her shoulder, inhaling her scent. She rocked her back and forth as she sat down cooing to her like she used to do with Durc. Durc, how could she have forgotten her son? Fresh tears came unbidden as she put Tholiza to her breast. 

The past month that she didn't have her memory was hard, and Ayla replayed every part of it in her mind. "Jondalar! My amulet, and my medicine bag! I left all of it back at the camp!" 

Jondalar smiled at her and took a bundle off of Racer's travois. "I brought them with me. I knew you wouldn't want to leave them." He opened the bundle and it wasn't until Ayla actually saw the items that she allowed herself to relax. Jondalar took her amulet and slipped it around her neck, tying it securely. She reached up with her free hand wrapping it around the familiar lump. Closing her eyes, she said a thank you to her totem for not leaving her though she didn't remember him. 

They talked quietly long into the night, simply holding each other. Just before Ayla drifted off, she said something that Jondalar wasn't expecting. 

"You know, he isn't happy there." 

"Who?" 

"Ranec. He pretends to be happy, but I can tell. How can we leave him with people who have no connection to him?" 

Jondalar shook his head. "They're his family. If he didn't want to be there, he could leave." 

Ayla propped herself on her elbow. "And where would he go? He's very far away from the Mamutoi and Gandar was the last of his family here. He's lost the heart to continue on his own." 

Jondalar was silent and Ayla finally sighed and settled back down on his chest. He was right. If Ranec did want to leave, then he'd leave. She wished she could look at his injuries again though. Just to make sure they were healing well. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ayla stretched and glanced up at the sky. Though the sun had just began its ascent, she was surprised that she'd slept so late. Normally she'd waken before the sun and watch it as it began its journey across the sky. It was one of her favorite times of the day. 

Sitting up, she recovered Tholiza and noted that Midnight had returned during the night, but Thunder was still gone. Wolf was laying on his side by the fire, his muzzle red stained. She knew he'd been hunting during the night, and was successful. She didn't see Jondalar anywhere but knew he'd be back shortly. He probably had went hunting the way he normally did while they traveled. If he was lucky, then they wouldn't have to stop early to make camp and hunt. 

Ayla banked the fire and poured water into a bowl to heat for tea. She reached for her medicine bag and smiled at the worn red case. How could she have ever forgotten Iza, and everything she'd learned? Ayla shuddered when she thought of the past moon. It was as if she were a totally different person. 

Opening the bag, she dug for the pouch with two knots close together. When she didn't find it right away, she dumped the contents onto the ground. Searching the bags, she finally found it, but to her dismay it was empty. She remembered asking Jondalar what it was and he'd told her it was golden thread. Then.....then.... Oh no! She had poured it into her hand, watching it fall thru her fingers before losing interest and tossing the medicine bag aside! That was weeks ago! 

Closing her eyes, she swallowed hard as she started to shake. All this time....she hadn't been taking her morning tea to prevent the Mother from blessing her. Did that mean she would have a baby? Ayla smiled at the thought of having another baby of Jondalar's spirit. True, Tholiza was still young, but a lot of women have babies then become blessed right away. The fact that she almost died birthing her was what dismayed her the most. She didn't want to have another child until they had found a home somewhere, with other women around. 

Gasping, Ayla's hand flew to her mouth and Wolf whined, coming over and nudging her. She didn't even notice him as tears started to stream down her face. What if....what if the baby wasn't Jondalar's? She'd also.....oh Doni! 

How could she have done that to him? After all the pain she'd caused him! Still, they had only shared pleasures twice. She and Jondalar had shared pleasures much more than that over the past moon. 

Not knowing what to think, she decided to wait and see if she'd been blessed first, then worry about the rest if the time came. 

It was well past mid morning and Jondalar still hadn't returned. Ayla was starting to get worried and more than once thought of tracking him. She knew that she wouldn't be able to load everything on Whinney, and was trying to figure out how to store their belongings so animals didn't get to them when the Mare nickered. Wolf yipped and dashed into the woods as Ayla breathed a sigh of relief. He was back. She picked up Tholiza and walked to the edge of their camp when Racer came into view. 

Jondalar was riding slow and he looked tired. His shoulders sagged slightly and she could tell even from this distance that he needed to rest. She gave him a brilliant smile and as he came closer, she noticed someone was with him. 

Puzzled, she gave him a questioningly look but he simply gave her a strained smile in return. Racer turned slightly revealing the other rider to be Ranec! Before she could ask what or why he was with Jondalar, Ranec looked directly at her and smiled with all the love he held for her. Flustered, Ayla looked down and away. She knew with their recent pleasures that she'd given him false hope, and the last thing she wanted was to break his heart again. 

~~~~~~~~ 

Jondalar helped Ranec off the horse, then patted Racer down. It hadn't been easy to convince Ranec to ride Racer, but Ranec knew if he was going to go, he had no choice. Jondalar watched the woman he loved stare at Ranec, then look down avoiding his gaze. A pain shot through his heart knowing that the two of them had shared pleasures, but he also knew he'd do anything he could for Ayla. She was right, they couldn't just leave him there if he didn't want to be there. 

After Ayla had fallen asleep, he untangled himself from her warm body and commanded Wolf to guard her and Tholiza. He rode hard through the night and reached the Poterian camp about an hour before sun up. 

Ranec had been surprised when he was shaken awake by Jondalar, but Jondalar explained to him why he had come. Ranec had been overjoyed that Ayla regained her memories, and that she wanted him to travel with them. Ranec studied Jondalar in the dim light from his fire and asked what he had wanted. 

Jondalar knew that it was time that he at least tried to put his jealousy aside. If things had been different, he would have liked the carver. He reminded him alot of his brother Thonolan. They both were laid back and could charm anyone. Both were outspoken and laughed at life. 

Jondalar told him that he wanted what was best for Ayla. She was concerned for his well being and said that she knew he wasn't happy here. When Ranec didn't deny it, Jondalar knew he couldn't leave the man behind. He let him know though, that he didn't want Ranec being with Ayla anymore. He was her mate, at least in their hearts, and now that she had regained her memories she also felt remorse for what she'd done. 

If Ranec could travel with them as a friend, and family, and want nothing more, then Jondalar would welcome him to travel with them. Ranec had thought hard of what Jondalar had said. He loved Ayla, he always had. When she'd asked him to show her what pleasures were his heart soared, though he knew he should have declined. He could never turn her down. 

The next morning when they'd met at the stream Ayla was so excited telling him all about the pleasures she'd shared with Jondalar. He knew then that the innocent, exhuberant woman who poured her heart out to him, didn't think of him as more than a good friend. He had taken her in his arms, kissed her, and shared pleasures with her one last time. Memorizing every detail of her. If he could still be with Ayla, even if it wasn't as her mate, then he wanted to. He vowed to the Mother that he'd protect her and her offspring for as long as the Mother left him able to. She was his family. 

Ranec had packed quickly and just after the sun broke through the morning sky, he bid farewell to Karpin, Utnab, Nadkar, and the rest of the cave who'd been up. Knowing he'd have to ride on Racer was terrifying, but to be with Ayla he'd ride a thousand horses. With one last look back, Ranec waved in a come back motion to his people then set off on his new life. 

~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	2. Shadows of the Past part 2

Ranec couldn't help but smile from ear to ear as he stared at Ayla. She didn't quite meet his eyes and was blushing, to him, she never looked more radiant. His leg was throbbing from the long ride, especially since he'd never been on a horse before, but he had to admit it was exciting. Once he got over his terror, that is.

"Ayla," Ranec limped forward stopping within a foot of her. "Jondalar told me you've regained your memories. For that, I'll be eternally thankful to the Mother."

Ayla glanced up at him cautiously. She was surprised to see understanding and compassion in them, as well as a hint of the longing he normally held when he looked at her.

"Ranec, I'm so sorry--" Ayla started, but he shook his head.

"No. I'm the one who should be sorry. You're my family, and you've made it quite clear to me before you left the summer meeting that you didn't want to be with me. I should have said no when we...." Ranec gestured, not wanting to voice what they had done. He knew Jondalar was standing nearby, though the tall blond man had managed to 'disappear', and he wasn't quite sure how much, if any, Ayla had told him.

"Oh Ranec, I'm not sorry about that. I asked you to show me. I'm sorry that I hurt you again. I didn't mean to give you any false hopes."

"You couldn't have known. Besides, I don't regret the time we spent together, and I know....I know that your heart is with Jondalar. He's asked me to travel with the both of you, and if you have no objections I'll accept. I'm not sure what I'm searching for but at least I'll have company while I look."

Ayla smiled, then reached up and hugged him. Ranec held her tightly for a few moments, then patted her back. When Jondalar stepped into the small clearing, Ranec pulled back and smiled at Ayla. 

Ayla wiped at her eyes and smiled in return. Ranec started towards the fire and that's when Ayla noticed his limp. She moved to get to the fire, but stopped and gave Jondalar a kiss and a brilliant smile before continuing on her way. She helped Ranec to sit, then reached for her familiar medicine bag.

Jondalar watched the two of them for a moment, then turned to pick up Tholiza. Going over to their furs which were still spread out, Jondalar stretched out across them as Tholiza laid on his chest. Things may just be alright after all, he thought.

~~~~~~~~~~

Ayla held onto Jondalar's waist as they traveled through the southern portion of Zelandoni territory. It was early fall and they had been traveling for a little over two moons. Jondalar had been quiet for the last few days and she knew he was battling memories, both good and bad. She glanced over at Ranec and smiled when she thought of how natural he seemed to ride Whinney. Most of the time they took turns walking, but when they all rode, Ayla and Jondalar would ride double on Racer while Ranec took the gentler mare.

They had followed a small stream for the past moon and Jondalar would point out to them where a big hunt had taken place, or where a good lookout spot would be. Deciding to make camp, Ayla unhitched the one travois while Ranec undid the other. Jondalar had picked up his spear thrower and use the pretense that he was going to look for fresh meat for their meal. They both knew though that he needed time for himself.

It didn't take long for Ayla and Ranec to have camp set up and a fire going. Ranec then took their skins down to the stream to fill and Ayla started to clean some roots to go with dinner. Wolf lingered nearby, and she couldn't help but think of how he was getting older. Certainly if he'd have been raised in the wild he would have had a mate by now, perhaps even led a pack. There were times that he'd disappeared on his own, only to show up weeks later, but he always returned.

Thunder and Midnight had been gone over a moon now. Thunder was the first to leave, and it was a shock to Ayla because she wasn't expecting the cat to make his own life so soon. Midnight left a few weeks later, and Ayla knew it was for good from a dream she'd had the night before. She hugged the black cat, scratching her in all her favorite places, then cried silently as he daughter left to make her own life. They weren't really made for this climate anyway, Ayla had told herself, but that didn't make their departure any easier. 

Ayla felt the familiar queasiness build and rushed to a nearby tree before losing the contents of her stomach. Shaking, she wiped her mouth then rinsed it out with water. Putting a skin on to boil, Ayla dug in her medicine bag for the herbs to help calm her stomach.

She was worried. More worried than she could ever remember being. It would soon be winter and they didn't have a place to ride out the season. Last winter had been hard enough when she birthed Tholiza, but now....now she had to think not only of her daughter, but of---

"Ayla, are you alright?"

Ayla jumped and turned to see Ranec looking down at her with concern. He placed the skins near the fire and went to her, kneeling. Taking his hand, he gently wiped a tear away that escaped her eye.

"I'm fine. I didn't hear you coming." She answered in Zelandoni. They had been teaching Ranec the language, in case they ran into anyone on their way back to the Mamutoi. They had decided it was time to go home, and home was where they were all accepted without reservations.

"You've been getting ill quite a bit lately. If you'd like, we can stop traveling awhile. Just until you feel better?"

Ayla shook her head. "I want to try and reach the Losunduni before the height of winter. We still have many moons to go, and we have to get there."

Ranec studied her hard. There was something she wasn't telling him, but what it was, he couldn't fathom. If she said they had to keep traveling though, then that's what they'd do. He knew to trust her judgment implicitly. Perhaps he should speak with Jondalar about her illness though?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ranec sharpened the end of a small stick. Flint had been almost non existent on their travels, and the blades that Jondalar had made for the spear throwers were almost gone. They had taken to modifying the points from wood, which was in abundance. It didn't have the same effectiveness as the flint, but they were still able to bring down most game.

Jondalar walked back into camp carrying a large hamster. He placed it by the fire near Ayla and she smiled up at him. Though he smiled in return, she knew he was worried. He had promised to provide for her, and it was nearly winter with no shelter in site. She wished that they would find a small cave like the one that she used to have, but she also knew that they had to reach the Losunduni. They were nice enough, and she knew that she would need other women around.

Ayla knew that she'd eventually have to tell them, but how? She didn't want to add any extra stress to Jondalar, and she knew that after birthing Tholiza he would worry horribly. After all, she almost died the last time and now they were facing almost the same conditions as last winter.

"We'll have to travel around the glacier. I don't want to take the chance of going over it with Tholiza." Jondalar spoke and Ayla nodded. Ranec had never crossed the glacier, he had cut south before reaching the area. 

"Why don't we turn east and then go north? That way we'll skirt the southern sea and not have to go all the way around?" Ranec offered. Though the idea had been brought up before, Jondalar hadn't really considered it. He wanted to see his people's land one last time before leaving it for good. Ayla had understood that, and didn't push the issue. Now though, now she was worried about time. It would be shorter to go Ranec's way.

Jondalar shook his head. "I don't know if we'll end up in the same area, and I don't want to miss the Losunduni. I was hoping we could winter with them."

"I'm sure it is. You mentioned the hot springs and I saw them in the distance to the west as I traveled. It shouldn't be too difficult to find once we're in the area. If we turn east now, we can probably make it in three moons." Ranec offered. He really didn't want to delay his journey home any longer than he had to.

Jondalar didn't speak as he broke a stick over his knee and added the wood to the fire. Ayla started to skin the hamster while they were conversing, keeping out of the conversation. She knew how important it was to Jondalar to see his homeland once again. Though, she thought, it may cause him more pain than he expects.

The smell of the hamster started to make her nauseous again and she stood, trying not to show any emotion on her face. It was now dusk and she picked up her water skin. When both men looked at her, she stammered.

"I'm going to go to the stream." She held the bladder that was almost full of water and rushed off before either of them could ask anything.

Ranec looked at Jondalar who was still eying Ayla. 

"Have you noticed that she's sick often?" Ranec asked.

Jondalar nodded. "I asked her about it a few days ago. She said it's something that will go away on its own, and not to worry about it."

Ranec frowned. "I think it's more than that. She barely eats anymore, and she's always sick. It's at least once or twice a day. I told her we could make camp for a few days until she felt better, but she refused."

"Do you suppose she's not telling us something?" Jondalar didn't like the idea. Ayla always told him everything. When she returned to the camp, she did look paler and avoided eye contact with him. Wanting to get to the bottom of it, he walked over to where she was patting Whinney and Racer.

"Ayla, how are you feeling?"

Ayla looked up to see his concerned eyes staring down at her. "Better," she smiled, then tucked her head down again.

Jondalar placed his hand on her arm and turned her towards him, lifting her chin. "There's something more to this illness, isn't there?"

"Wh....what do you mean?" She couldn't lie to him, but she could refrain from volunteering information. She hoped that he would just let the subject drop.

"Ayla," Jondalar took his hands in hers and looked into her tired eyes. There were dark circles under them, and he knew she was holding back. "Tell me what's wrong. Why are you sick all the time?"

Ayla glanced towards Ranec who was staring at the two of them. Looking back up at Jondalar, she took a deep breath. "I've been blessed." She whispered.

Jondalar blinked at her a few times, trying to comprehend what she said. "Blessed? You're going to have a baby?"

Ayla nodded as he stood there in shock. "How? When? I mean, how long have you known?" He stammered.

"About three moons."

Jondalar pulled Ayla to him and held her tight. "Why didn't you tell me? This is wonderful news! You're bringing another child to our hearth."

"I didn't want you to worry. We both know what happened when Tholiza was born."

Jondalar shook his head, "That's in the past. I promise that we will have a place to winter this year. You will have other women around when the time comes." Jondalar was determined that this time Ayla would not be in danger. He didn't care what he had to do to make that happen.

Ayla nodded and looked down. Jondalar squinted at her curiously. "There's more, isn't there?"

Ayla shook her head, "Nothing that matters right now."

Jondalar opened his mouth to protest, but she placed her hand on his lips. "Please, I don't want to discuss it right now."

Acquiescing, Jondalar kissed her firm on the lips, his happiness overflowing. He picked her up and spun her around. Guiding her back to the fire, he had to tell Ranec the good news. "Ayla's been blessed!" He announced, oblivious to the carver's reaction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Winter hit harshly and the travelers found themselves not as prepared for the change than they would have liked. They had ended up going through Zelandonii territory and besides seeing an occasional hunting party that ignored them, they didn't have any run ins with Jondalar's people. 

Now they were finally on the other side of the glacier, and Ayla held her stomach as she rode Whinney. Both Ranec and Jondalar were walking ahead of the horses, and she held Tholiza with her other hand. Though Jondalar seemed confident that they'd reach the Losadunai in plenty of time, Ayla wasn't so sure. She was almost seven moons along and her fears from Tholiza's birth were real. She'd never felt so close to death before, not even when she birthed Durc.

They could see the steam from the hot springs in the near distance and Jondalar seemed to pick up his pace. "Their cave should be just on the other side of this ridge. We should reach them in a day or two." Jondalar happily announced.

The days didn't last very long anymore, and Ayla hoped that they would soon stop to make camp. Riding everyday was taking a toll on her body and she wanted nothing more than to be at the Losadunai so they would stop traveling.

She was so lost in thought, she didn't realize when they stopped moving. Looking about, there was a small stream not too far, but it was mostly ice. More than once they had to chisel their way to find fresh water.

Ranec helped her down from Whinney and she walked a few paces, stretching her legs. Once the horses were unhitched both Racer and Whinney headed in the direction of the stream. Tholiza squirmed to get down, and Ayla placed her on the ground by her feet. The little one had taken to crawling lately and keeping an eye on her proved to be a full time job.

She watched as Jondalar and Ranec quickly set up camp, and then untied a bundle from the travois. The meat from a fresh kill of a winter deer would be their evening meal tonight.

Ranec kept Tholiza busy as she prepared the meat. It was almost frozen from the cold temperature and Ayla had to dig into her medicine bag for seasoning. She decided the best way to prepare the deer would be to dig a ground oven, but the ground was too hard to do that. Spying thick, flat rocks by the stream, she brought a few back before Jondalar chastised her, then brought the rest back himself. She sat the rocks all around the fire, then placed the meat in the middle, wrapped in a wet hide. After heating a few more flatter rocks, she placed those on top of the others sealing the meat in. The fire was then built up around the rocks to create a different kind of oven. An added benefit that Ayla liked, was the flat surface of the top rocks was perfect for setting a bladder with water to heat for tea.

Most of the evening was spent quietly, each lost in thought. Every once in a while they'd start an animated conversation about something that had happened back at Lion Camp, or the like. Between the three of them, they kept themselves fairly entertained. Still, Ayla would have loved to have women around again.

She fondly thought of Solandia and Losaduna. She wondered if the gentle man was still One who Serves for their cave, and wondered how much Micheri had grown. He had to be about three seasons old now!

She had hoped that Madenia had gone through with her first rites, and that she'd found a man as good as Jondalar. Though they hadn't spent that long with the Losadunai, she had formed friendships and missed them deeply.

As they were eating their evening meal, Ayla was amused at how Tholiza would try and mimic their actions. Deciding it was time to introduce her to solid food, she chopped up some meat finely and added broth, much like she had when Wolf was a pup. Dipping the edge of a piece of leather in the mixture, she sat Tholiza on her lap and was pleased when her daughter sucked the meat mixture off.

She wasn't aware of Jondalar and Ranec looking at the scene play out before them, and continued to feed her until she turned her head away. Ayla then held the child to her breast as she went back to her own meal.

When it started to snow lightly, they retired to the one tent they shared. Though Ranec had his own tent, it wasn't worth making two up every night. Also, it was warmer with the shared body heat. Ayla would sleep in-between the two men with Tholiza, Wolf at their feet. With her stomach growing, there wasn't as much room as their used to be, but they still managed to fit.

~~~~~~~~~

Ayla felt horrible as they packed up their belongings, hopefully for the last time. For the last few days it had been drizzling lightly, mixed with snow. All their belongings were damp, and though their thick winter furs kept them warm, the moisture had added a lot of extra weight.

Jondalar had announced that they'd probably reach the Losandunai cave today, and he, along with Ranec had been in high spirits. Wolf seemed more excited than usual, and had tried to dart off into the woods more than once. Ayla tried to keep him near, fearing that if they were close to the camp, someone could kill him thinking of him as a threat.

Jondalar helped Ayla onto Whinney's back, then Ranec handed Tholiza to her. Once they were settled, Jondalar took hold of Racer's guide rope and led them south towards the cave. Ayla watched as Ranec looked back at the small stream they'd camped near. He had a hard time believing that this was the beginning of the Great Mother River. On his trip west, he'd crossed it well before this point.

For most of the morning, they had traveled up a slight incline and somewhere around noon they reached the top of a low ridge. Looking down from the top, Ayla was relieved to see the familiar sight. Below them was a snow covered meadow and steam coming from a pool near the cave. As they made their way down the ridge, a few people started to gather outside the cave.

Some were carrying spears, but for the most part, their stance wasn't threatened. When they were closer, they could hear some of the people yell "Jondalar and Ayla have returned!"

Ayla had to let out a piercing whistle to keep Wolf close. He was extremely excited about seeing all the people, and the last thing she wanted was for him to run ahead. Whinney started to prance nervously, and Racer followed suit.

They were at the far end of the meadow when a young woman came out of the cave. "Ayla!" She ran towards the visitors and didn't stop until she was beside Whinney. "Ayla, is it really you? Oh Duna! I hoped I would meet you again!" 

Ayla smiled down at the young woman. "Madenia. You look wonderful! How have you been?"

Madenia walked with them the rest of the way back to the cave, barely acknowledging the men as she talked non stop to Ayla. She really had missed the woman who was responsible for giving her back her life.

Ayla felt horrible as they packed up their belongings, hopefully for the last time. For the last few days it had been drizzling lightly, mixed with snow. All their belongings were damp, and though their thick winter furs kept them warm, the moisture had added a lot of extra weight.

Jondalar had announced that they'd probably reach the Losandunai cave today, and he, along with Ranec had been in high spirits. Wolf seemed more excited than usual, and had tried to dart off into the woods more than once. Ayla tried to keep him near, fearing that if they were close to the camp, someone could kill him thinking of him as a threat.

Jondalar helped Ayla onto Whinney's back, then Ranec handed Tholiza to her. Once they were settled, Jondalar took hold of Racer's guide rope and led them south towards the cave. Ayla watched as Ranec looked back at the small stream they'd camped near. He had a hard time believing that this was the beginning of the Great Mother River. On his trip west, he'd crossed it well before this point.

For most of the morning, they had traveled up a slight incline and somewhere around noon they reached the top of a low ridge. Looking down from the top, Ayla was relieved to see the familiar sight. Below them was a snow covered meadow and steam coming from a pool near the cave. As they made their way down the ridge, a few people started to gather outside the cave.

Some were carrying spears, but for the most part, their stance wasn't threatened. When they were closer, they could hear some of the people yell "Jondalar and Ayla have returned!"

Ayla had to let out a piercing whistle to keep Wolf close. He was extremely excited about seeing all the people, and the last thing she wanted was for him to run ahead. Whinney started to prance nervously, and Racer followed suit.

They were at the far end of the meadow when a young woman came out of the cave. "Ayla!" She ran towards the visitors and didn't stop until she was beside Whinney. "Ayla, is it really you? Oh Duna! I hoped I would see you again!" 

Ayla smiled down at the young woman. "Madenia. You look wonderful! How have you been?"

Madenia walked with them the rest of the way back to the cave, barely acknowledging the men as she talked non stop to Ayla. She really had missed the woman who was responsible for giving her back her life.

When they were near the cave, they stopped and Ayla slid off of Whinney's back with the help of Madenia. Ayla had handed Tholiza to her when she dismounted, and the young woman seemed reluctant to hand her back. Smiling, Ayla allowed her to hold Tholiza as they approached the cave and the people waiting there.

"Jondalar!" Laduni called out as he stepped foward. Though he still held his spear, it seemed to be only an after thought. "In the name of Duna, welcome! Where have you been all this time?"

Jondalar grasped his outstretched hands and smiled in relief. Here they would find respite. "Laduni! It's so good to see you again." The master hunter noted the weariness and relief in the blond man's eyes, and nodded. 

They had heard of what happened to the couple after a trading mission across the glacier. Dalanar had been beside himself with worry for the son of his hearth, and more than once asked if they had stopped at the Losandunai. When no one had any information that was helpful, Laduni had hoped Dalanar wouldn't be too upset. The man had seemed to age perceptively since their last meeting.

"I see Ayla has been blessed!" Losaduni spoke as he stepped forward and took Jondalar's hands. "The Mother has smiled upon you." Losaduni gave him a knowing wink, then added. "Welcome in the name of Duna, Great Earth Mother of all." He turned to Ayla then, and they were welcomed back to the cave, one by one as if they were family that had come home.

Ranec held back as they were greeted by old friends. He hadn't run into the Losandunai on his way to the Poterians, and felt like an outsider. He did feel a burden lifted off his shoulders for Ayla though. Now she could birth her daughter in the shelter of a real cave, with other women around. When he had asked Jondalar about the birth of Tholiza after a comment Ayla had made, Jondalar reluctantly told him the whole tale, in case something happened this time around. Both men were determined that nothing would happen to Ayla. Not if it was within their power.

"I see the two of you no longer travel alone." Solandia hinted as she eyed Ranec. They had never seen a man with his coloring before, and it was an exotic 'distraction.'

Ayla smiled as she motioned for Ranec to come forward. "Solandia of the Losandunai, this is Ranec, Master carver of the Mamutoi, son of Nezzie, mate to Talut, leader of the Lion Camp of the Mamutoi, protected by the black cat." Ayla introduced.

Ranec was more than a little surprised at Ayla's introduction. It had been so long since he'd been introduced Mamutoi. True, he never was formally adopted into the Poterians, and really his heart hadn't been there. The only reason he stayed at first was because of Gandar, but if he'd been pressed to dig deep into his feelings, he would have realized it was because he had no reason left to live.

Once everyone who knew them had greeted them, and they met the other members of the cave, they were led inside with their belongings. The horses were left to graze nearby. Though Ayla was worried about them being out in the elements, there was an overhang to the south of the cave that afforded them some protection.

Madenia had stuck by their side the entire time, and had been more than a little impatient that the introductions had taken so long. She proudly showed them to the guest hearth and then handed Tholiza back to Ayla. 

"Madenia, let them get settled and rest. Tonight we'll have a feast and hear stories!" Losaduni announced loudly.

She looked dejected, and Ayla gave her a reassuring smile as they left the visitors alone. 

"They seem friendly enough." Ranec observed, and Jondalar nodded. 

"They are a good people."

Ayla peeled off her wet clothes and changed into a dry outfit. That done, she rubbed her belly as she laid down on the sleeping furs. Within minutes she was fast asleep.

~~~~~~~~

When Ayla opened her eyes, she did so reluctantly. She felt as if she could sleep a whole moon! Looking through the partially open smoke hole, she knew she'd slept longer than intended. It was almost dark outside. She stretched slowly and looked around the quiet hearth to see Ranec sitting on the other bed platform. He was sorting his belongings from his pack, and Ayla noticed one of his familiar bird/woman figurines in his hand.

He seemed to sense her eyes on him, and looked up smiling. "Good afternoon. I thought you were going to sleep straight through until tomorrow."

Ayla blushed as she sat up. "I didn't mean to. Why didn't anyone wake me?"

Ranec shrugged as he placed the carving under a fur and continued to dig through his pack.

"Where is everyone?" Ayla quietly asked. It was silent in their area, and it seemed out of place to talk in normal tones.

"Jondalar was anxious to speak with his friends, so he took Tholiza and went visiting. I think he's at the first hearth. That's where most of the people are anyway. They're really preparing a feast for tonight. By the smell of things, it's almost ready."

Ayla nodded as she sat up, then ran her fingers through her hair. She was certain she looked a mess! As if reading her mind, Ranec spoke.

"You look beautiful Ayla." He watched her blush, still unable to accept the simplest praise. He was speaking the truth as he always did with her. She was full of the Mother's blessing and he didn't think he'd ever saw a more radiant being. She *was* the Mother incarnate. His throat constricted as he watched her caress her round belly, comforting the growing life within.

Ayla caught him staring and smiled. "Would you like to feel?"

Startled, Ranec sat back slightly. "I....well, Jondalar might not---"

"Come here." She interrupted as she held out her hand to him. Ranec tentatively kneeled in front of her, watching her outstretched hand as his somehow became enwrapped in it. She placed it on the side of her stomach and after a moment, he felt the tiny life greet him. 

He couldn't contain his joy as he smiled up at her, unrepented. All thoughts of Jondalar gone, he placed his other hand on her belly and felt the Mother's power. After a moment, Ayla ran a hand through his hair and when he looked at her, her smile was a sad one.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he pulled back. Perhaps he'd overstepped his boundaries?

"I'm so sorry Ranec. I wish..I wish I could have given you what you wanted. Shared your hearth, bore your children. I never meant to hurt you." She whispered, her eyes brimming with tears.

Ranec sat on the edge of her sleeping platform and pulled her to him. "There's nothing to be sorry for Ayla. It was a long time ago. If the Mother wanted us to be together, then She would make it so. Perhaps someday I will have a woman at my hearth and children of my spirit to help raise. Until then, I'm happy just---" he stopped himself before he said 'just being with you.' He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. "--just being here."

Ayla smiled and wiped her eyes as she sat up. Wolf picked that moment to wander slowly down the cave, sniffing at the strange belongings and scents. When he looked up and saw Ayla looking at him, he wagged his tail and came bounding over.

"And what have you been up to Wolf? Not getting into trouble I hope." Wolf yipped and sat back on his haunches to scratch an itch behind his ear. He then watched Ayla intently to see what they would do next.

Ranec stood and held out a hand to Ayla. "From the sounds of it, I'd say they're just about ready to start serving. Since it is in our honor we shouldn't be late." He smiled.

Ayla accepted his outstretched hand and walked with him to the front hearth.


	3. Shadows of the Past part 3

~~~~~~

Ayla was still in good spirits when she and Ranec walked to the front of the cave. As soon as the camp noticed her and Ranec, they were surrounded by a rush of well wishers. Both were escorted to the fire, and Ayla sat down beside Jondalar. He leaned over and kissed her before wrapping an arm around her waist.

"We were wondering if you were ever going to wake up!" Laradi announced. 

"Laradi!" Solandia admonished the young man. He had the decency to blush, but Ayla knew it was hard for a man his age. He probably had just had his first kill not too long ago. Patience wasn't something that men his age had lots of.

"Everyone's been anxious to hear your stories. Jondalar has refused to tell us anything. He's been teasing us making us wait." Lorenia added with a smile towards the tall blond visitor.

Jondalar blushed at her, and added "well, it wouldn't do good for me to ruin it now, would it?" Jondalar replied.

Someone handed all of them plates, and Ranec looked up at the young woman and smiled. "Thank you" he managed in broken Losanduni and was intrigued to see her coy smile in return. Perhaps he'd have a few women to honor the Mother with here.

Ayla helped herself first, as was their custom, and both Ranec and Jondalar filled their plates next. Afterwards, everyone seemed to converge on the food and the laughter filled the only empty space left in the lodge.

Ayla was more than a little curious, and worried, as to how Jondalar would tell his story. After all, they weren't welcomed among the Zelandonii at all. Banished. Yes, the Lanzandonii were more than willing to accept them, but they had all agreed not to stay there. They didn't even visit on the way back. Ayla knew how much it pained Jondalar to not be able to say a proper goodbye to his relatives, but they all knew it was for the best. They had been under enough pressure with accepting Echozar into their cave.

Jondalar knew that Dalanar would fight for him and Ayla to stay there, and so would Jerika. Facing banishment as a cave from the entire Zelandonii and Council of Mothers was too much to ask of the people he loved. They were only one cave, and they had close ties with the Zelandonii. Also, they needed the trading with them to survive. One illness, one catastrophe could wipe out the entire cave. If they didn't have support from other caves, they wouldn't survive. He would never do that to his family.

Instead of facing the arguments, and bringing up ill will, they skirted around the Lanzandonii territory. Jondalar was both relieved and saddened that they hadn't ran into any of the camp. They were probably still on their way home from the summer meeting, he surmised.

Being brought out of his reverie, Jondalar watched as Taulia and Floria produced instruments and the music began. The bouza was passed freely as well, and soon everyone was either dancing or laughing, or just enjoying each others company.

Ayla sat back and watched the festivities with a smile. She had missed being with people who accepted them without reservations. More than a few times people would approach her and catch up, but for the most part they didn't stay long, preferring to celebrate. She had to smile when she saw all the female attention Ranec was receiving. He seemed to come alive under the deluge of women vying for his attention. Jondalar seemed not far off with the women dancing with him. As soon as one dance would end, another woman would approach him to dance. Though he was with them, his eyes rarely left Ayla. She knew where his heart lay and gently caressed her stomach as she watched him.

~~~~~~~~~~

Long into the evening everyone had finally settled down to listen to the stories the visitors had to tell. It didn't take long for Laduni to get everyone's attention as they were always anxious to hear new tales, and to retell old ones that were classic. Ayla sat beside Jondalar and they looked on as Ranec captivated the audience with the tales from Lion Camp, his journey, the Poterians, and finally his journey here. He was quite good at story telling, and Ayla found herself listening just as actively as the rest of the camp. She found herself lost in ancient memories of her time with the Mamutoi, and more than a small part of her couldn't wait to get back 'home'.

Of course, there was another part of her that knew she couldn't ever go home again. First it was an earthquake that tore her from her home and her family, then it was Broud. She felt a little guilty when she thought that Jondalar had taken her from her last adoptive family, but she told herself that was different. He was her family now, and he was taking her home. Even the spirits had told her that the Zelandonii were to be her new family. That was to be her new home. Briefly, she thought that perhaps the spirits would be angry with her that she didn't stay there. Was that why they couldn't find a place to take them in? when she thought about it, ever since leaving the Zelandonii they hadn't found a place to call their own.

Jondalar nudged her and she smiled at him. He leaned forward. "Are you feeling alright? If you'd like, you can lay down?"

Ayla shifted slightly. She hadn't realized how tired she really was. She nodded and blushed slightly. "Do you think it would be rude if I did? They are expecting us to tell our stories next." She whispered.

Jondalar took her hand in his. "I'll tell the stories. They'll understand. Come on." He stood and helped her up. Nodding to a few people who noticed them going back to the visitor's hearth, they quietly made their way down the cave. 

Though Ranec's pace didn't waver, he watched, acutely aware that Ayla didn't look too well. When Jondalar returned to the storytelling, he gave him a questioningly glance, but Jondalar shook his head to let the carver know that she was fine.

Folaria interrupted. "So there are a whole clan of people who's skin is as dark as yours?" she asked in awe.

Ranec smiled his dazzling, seductive smile at the younger woman. "yes. Most are darker skinned than myself though."

She blushed and looked away, but she couldn't help but share a giggle as her friend nudged her knowingly.

Ranec cleared his throat as he finished. "And that's how I come to be sitting among you good people tonight. But, I'm not the only one with a story to tell."

There were anxious murmurs throughout the people as they knew it was Jondalar's turn to speak. Most remembered how good of a story teller he was, and were looking forward to hearing what had happened to him and Ayla since they last visited, as well as hearing the stories of their other travels again.

Jondalar took a gulp of the bouza he had as he looked around the expectant crowd. Timing was everything, and he knew how to set a pace.

Ayla couldn't sleep no matter how hard she tried. She felt uncomfortable in her lower back and abdomen and she shifted restlessly. Finally giving up, she sat up and rubbed her eyes. Perhaps a calming tea may help? She banked the small fire quietly and dug through her medicine pouch for the herbs she needed. It was very late, or early depending on one's view. No one was awake and only the sounds of deep breathing could be heard throughout the cave. 

She became aware of someone moving nearby and turned to see Losanduni shuffling towards her.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you, but I couldn't sleep."

He waved her off as he sat down by the fire. "You did not wake me. The spirits were talking to me also, and when they talk, no one sleeps."

Ayla looked at him quizzically. "Spirits?" She readied another cup so she wouldn't have to face him.

"Yes Ayla. They've been speaking to you also, haven't they?" He asked matter of factly, as if he already knew the answer.

Ayla nodded weakly and when she looked back at him, she looked almost ready to cry. "I can't do this anymore Losaduni. I can't. Haven't I been tested enough? All I ever wanted was to have babies, and share Jondalar's hearth. Why can't they leave me alone?" She cried in a hoarse whisper. Losaduni pulled her to him and she cried quietly into her chest. He stroked her hair, rocking her gently.

When she seemed to be finished crying, she pulled back and he handed her a soft rabbit skin.

"I'm sorry."

"Never be sorry Ayla. The Mother gives us tears so we can express our deepest feelings. Without them, they'd eat us up inside like a woodworm until there's nothing left."

Ayla poured the two cups of tea and handed one to the older man. They sipped their tea quietly for awhile. Then Ayla finally spoke.

"I don't want to go back. It's taken so long to get back here. Over one and a half turning of the seasons. They are still going to banish me. Why? Why do I have to go through that again?" She whispered.

"Only the Mother knows the answer to that child. I do know that you have a home here until after your baby is born. It will be a new beginning for you, and an ending. I do not know anymore than that though. She has kept that part to Herself. Your child will be born in early spring, and with it, comes a new era of change. You and your traveling companions will be tested, but the Mother always watches out for Her chosen ones."

Losaduni stood and patted Ayla on the shoulder. "Don't worry child, it will not happen tonight. Get some rest. Your baby needs you."

Ayla watched him leave, then glanced over at the two men who were dearest to her heart. They've stood by her through everything, and now she would be putting them through more. It wasn't fair. She couldn't keep asking that of them. She thought that maybe it would just be better if she faced this latest challenge alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The weeks past quickly as Ayla, Jondalar and Ranec got settled in their temporary home. It was still winter, but the Mother had won her battle once again and new life would soon be in abundance.

Ayla's 'dreams' were becoming more insistent and troubling. She had to go back. They told her that every night, leaving her exhausted in the morning. As much as she tried to ignore them, it didn't make a bit of difference. She had talked to Losaduni about them on more than one occasion, but all he could tell her was that she had to follow her destiny. Destiny, Ayla scoffed to herself, why her? Why didn't the Mother choose someone else?

Knowing she wouldn't sleep this night either, Ayla quietly rose and stepped out of the lodge. The air was crisp in the pre dawn hours and she unconsciously rubbed her arms together. Whinney nickered a greeting and trotted up to her, and Ayla wrapped her arms around the mare's neck. She hadn't been riding that much as of late. Jondalar and Ranec had gone on three hunting expeditions since they'd arrived, and there was more than enough food for everyone. Ayla could smell the sulfur on the wind from the hot springs, and wanted to take a dip. Solandia and Losaduni both warned her not to, saying it could cause her to give birth early. Ranec had enjoyed the springs with the company of quite a few different women, and she had even convinced Jondalar to enjoy himself, though he only went once.

Ayla guided Whinney to a nearby rock that others from the cave used when she would let them ride the mare, and managed to climb up. Since her pregnancy was so far along, she found it difficult to leap onto the horse's back like she used to. Whinney started a slow pace across the meadow as Ayla held her stomach. She calculated that she only had a moon to go, and with the way she'd been feeling, maybe not even that long. As much as she was looking forward to having the child, she was still anxious over who's spirit was used to help make her.

If what she thought was true, that when a man put his manhood inside a woman a baby was started, then it could just as easily be Ranec's spirit as well as Jondalar's. 

She was worried how Jondalar would react if the child was of Ranec's spirit, and more than a little curious as to what the child would look like. She thought of Ralev, Trici's baby, and Tholiza. She tried to mix the two in her mind but couldn't quite come up with an image.

What would Jondalar do? She knew he wouldn't be too happy, but would he take it out on Ranec? And what of him? He always wanted her to have children of his spirit, but they were only friends, right?

Ayla couldn't come up with a solution. Everything was going round and round and her head hurt as she let Whinney guide her where she wanted. Ayla didn't care where they went, as long as she got away from the others. She needed time to herself.

By the time the sun broke over the horizon, Ayla had managed to bring down a ermine with her sling and decided to skin it. Making a small fire, she spitted the animal, using her seasonings from her medicine bag, and rolled the white fur up to work later. She felt the tail and examined the black tip. She never had given Jondalar the outfit she'd made him all those summers ago. It was for their matrimonial and they had never truly been mated. Maybe they never would.

After eating, Ayla was dousing the fire when the bushes moved. Whinney didn't seem nervous and after a moment Wolf came bounding up to her.

"Wolf! What are you doing out here? Did you decide to go hunting?" The large animal licked her face over and over as she petted and scratched him in his favorite places. Ayla stood to go when a pain shot through her abdomen.

Gasping in shock she felt herself go limp as she fell to the ground. Wolf whined and sniffed at Ayla, but she didn't move. Not knowing what to do, he laid down beside her to protect her as Whinney pranced nervously nearby.

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~

_Ayla floated across the sky as if she were flying. Terrified, she didn't understand what was happening. Beside her, a golden eagle swooped down and flew beside her, seemingly looking at her as they flew in silence. Ayla immediately felt herself relax. She somehow knew that the bird had sent her a message and she no longer worried. She was amazed at how quiet the world was from up here. No animals, no trees rustling, nothing. Just the wind as it whipped past her, carrying her over the white expanse below._

_Ayla started to notice familiar landmarks as they flew. Squinting, she hoped for a closer look at an outcropping, and as if the wind heard and obeyed, she found herself swooping closer. It was! This was the same outcrop that she and Jondalar had passed on their way to the Zelandonii and again on their return to the Losanduni._

_Ayla glanced towards the bird, but it had quickly flew ahead. "Wait! Don't go. Why have you brought me here?" She asked, but no answer was forthcoming._

_Deciding to see where this spirit journey would lead her, Ayla took in all that she could from her vantage point. She was surprised to see a small passage near the northern end of the great ice. They had crossed it once, and this time decided to travel around it to the north. Ranec had told them about a southern route, but this was neither. It seemed to go through the ice!_

_Before Ayla could ponder that thought, she felt her direction changing. She was now on the other side of the glacier and traveling very fast to the northwest. A loud roll of thunder could be heard and it reverberated through Ayla. She felt the stirrings of a deep seeded fear start to emerge as a breast of Doni came into view. Ayla had never seen one of them before, though Jondalar had described them to her._

_The smoke from it choked her and she struggled to breathe. She was almost directly overhead and she could see the angry mouth red with fire spouting towards her. The wind seemed to die from around her as she gasped for breath._

_Before she could react, Ayla was being hurled faster and faster towards the mouth of the volcano._

Ayla jumped back into her body and her eyes flew open as she struggled to fill her lungs with air. After a few false tries, she finally managed to gulp in lung fulls of breath. She didn't seem to hear Wolf as she shakily pushed herself up to a sitting position. Looking around, she realized that she was safe and the terror she'd felt came out in loud body wracking sobs. Wolf nudged her and she wrapped her arms around his neck as she cried anew. She was in shock and she didn't know what she had done to cause the spirits to turn against her.

~~~~~~~~

Solandia looked worriedly towards her mate as they ate their evening meal. The children had decided to take Wolf and play at other hearths since the mood at their hearth was subdued.

Both Ranec and Jondalar kept staring at Ayla off and on. Ever since she'd returned from her outing no one could get her to say more than one word. The dark circles under her eyes were more pronounced and she seemed jumpy and withdrawn.

Losaduni poured another cup of tea for himself and shook his head at his mate. He didn't know what to make of it either. He had hoped that later they'd have some time to talk, alone, but so far Ayla hadn't ventured from the hearth, and both Jondalar and Ranec were doting over her worried.

"It looks like a storm is brewing." Losaduni started. "The Mother must have a battle ahead of her."

Ranec was grateful for the conversation, no matter how strained it seemed. "We have a story among my people about how Muta has to keep the peace between her spirits. I haven't heard it since I was a child, but I know it had to do with the wind and rain spirits fighting the earth and fire spirits over where to live."

Solandia perked up. "We have a story similar to that. In the before time, remember Losaduni?" She asked.

"How could I forget?" He teased. After all, he was one of the Mother's chosen.

Jondalar glanced at Ayla again, knowing how much she loved legends. She didn't even seem to notice that anyone was talking.

"In the before time, there were no trees, no animals, nothing except water and barren land everywhere. The Mother was lonely and decided to give rise to the trees. Out from the ground She grew her breasts. They fed the earth and the trees grew. The land turned green. Animals were created. Deciding something was missing, the Mother then spewed her milk into the deep oceans and from the water fish came. Still not satisfied with Her creation, she brought forth woman. She created the women to be the caretaker of the earth. Like Her, women could give life, and nurture. Her world was so complete and bountiful that it grew quickly. Her children traveled far away from each other and she found herself not having enough time to tend every hearth.

It was then she decided to create the spirits to be guides for us. She brought forth spirits for the earth, the water, the sky, and all of the animals. Whenever we've needed guidance, She would send us a spirit to help us. If we were careless with her gifts, the Spirits could also punish us. That is why it is very important never to disgrace the Mother or turn your back on her ways."

All the adults found themselves listening eagerly to the legend Losaduni told. Most cultures had similar stories, and it was interesting to find the similarities and differences between the tellings.

"Sometimes, the spirits decide they want to be more powerful than the Mother intended, and they fight amongst themselves. That is when we get the worst storms, or animals are scarce and caves starve. The Spirits fight among themselves for the others power, but none dare fight the Mother Herself."

Jondalar had never heard the story told in such detail, and since Losaduni had stared at Ayla almost constantly since he'd started, Jondalar felt that this was a story told mostly to Those who Served.

"How do they resolve their differences? I thought the Mother didn't like her children to fight."

Losaduni smiled at him. "You are correct young man. The Mother hates fighting. That is why it is strictly dealt with quickly if a fight breaks out among people. The Mother could decide to punish the whole camp for disgracing her. It is not unheard of for whole camps to split because their differences can not be resolved."

"What about evil spirits? I thought they were the ones who caused ill will." Ranec asked as he rocked Tholiza while the child slept.

"Evil Spirits exist also. They are very powerful and can cause much harm. But good Spirits can also become misguided. It is not easy to control such a great gift, and some can not take the strain. Sometimes they become unhappy with what they have and want more. That is when it is important to have a powerful protector. A person, even a trained Losaduni, could lose their way in the spirit world if caught up in one of their battles."

Losaduni involuntarily shuddered as he looked up at the smoke hole. "I feel that something powerful is happening soon. Tomorrow I will fast and meditate until the Mother shows me a sign."

The small group at the hearth felt the enormity of the words Losaduni had given them. There were many things they didn't understand, and if Losaduni said that something was going to happen, they could only hope that the Mother protected them enough to spare them from the worst.

They didn't know that another member of the cave had come forward to hear the story. Madenia hid in the shadows of the cave as she watched the other adults. In many ways she still felt like a child. More than anything she wished she could be like Ayla, Ayla never felt afraid, or backed down from her feelings. Though she too had been raped, she didn't shun from love like Madenia did. Ayla had let Jondalar in and he loved her. He showed her pleasures. 

Madenia had went through with first rites, hoping that she'd find someone like Jondalar. Though it hadn't been rough like Charoli and his band, she didn't feel pleasure either. It was uncomfortable and she couldn't let herself relax enough to trust the man she'd picked.

Since then, she refused to share pleasures with any man, and after awhile, most had stopped asking. Her mother had even stopped receiving offers for Madenia to mate. Her mother had long since given up on marrying off her only daughter. She was back to complaining almost all the time about lost grandchildren, and Madenia spent as little time with her as possible.

She was brought out of her reverie when Ayla spoke.

Ayla had listened to the story Losaduni told listlessly. When he'd finished, she contemplated his words as the fire danced in front of her. Finally, she took a deep breath and stood. "It's a lie. All of it."

Solandia looked at her puzzled as Ayla eyed Losaduni. To them, there was no one else in the room.

"What happened?" He asked, knowing that something had to have happened for her to be standing in front of them like this. She was a mere shell of the vibrant woman she used to be. Yesterday she wasn't like that, so something had to have happened.

Ayla tore her eyes from the fire and whispered. "There's death nearby."

Ranec and Jondalar both stood more worried than they had been. "Ayla, what's wrong?" Jondalar implored.

"Yes there is. I have felt it for the past few days. It's getting stronger." Losaduni answered cryptically.

Ayla ignored everyone and everything. She knew she was being called. Jondalar was getting frustrated watching the woman he loved suffer. He wanted to do something, anything!

"What are you two talking about? Who's death?" He demanded frustrated.

"Mine." Ayla whispered as her world went black again.

~~~~~~~~~~


	4. Shadows of the Past part 4

"Ayla! Oh Doni, Ayla!" Jondalar implored as he carried her to the bed platform. 

Everyone was crowding around, and more members from the cave came rushing over when they heard the commotion.

"Is she going to be ok?" Madenia asked, unshed tears in her eyes as she hugged herself.

"What did she mean? Is she dying?" Ranec demanded of Losaduni.

"Help her! Ayla please wake up." Jondalar begged as Solandia pushed her way through with her mate.

"She's dead, isn't she?" Madenia asked, her worst fear realized. At her statement, chaos broke out throughout the cave and the noise level grew to another level. Tholiza, who had been dozing off, was now shrieking at the top of her lungs. Though Ranec was still holding her, he was of no comfort to himself, let alone the child.

"Please, give her some room. Let me look at her." Losaduni spoke in a calming voice as he reached Ayla's side.

"No! She can't be dead. Ayla, open your eyes, for the love of Doni, please!" Jondalar begged as he clutched her hand. "I can't lose her. Not now."

Finally Losaduni had to manhandle the tall blond man out of the way so he could examine her. "Laduni help clear this area will you? Jondalar stay back! Ranec, give Tholiza to Taulia."

"Ayla!" Madenia felt herself being pulled away and looked up to see her mother. "Oh Mother, she can't die! She just can't!" The young woman wailed as Verdegia moved her away from the commotion. "No, I don't want to leave." Her protests were in vain when Laduni came towards them and placed his hand on Madenia's shoulder. She looked up at him shakily and he gave her a compassionate look. 

"You will be more help looking after Wolf and letting Losaduni care for Ayla. He's One Who Serves."

"Everyone move back!" Losaduni finally commanded in a tone that warranted no arguments. "Ayla is not dead. She has only passed out. Now please, go back to your hearths. He looked around the dispersing crowd. "Floria, would you heat some water. Use the large pot that I reserve for ceremonies." The young woman nodded and scurried off, feeling important that she could help.

Solandia pulled the curtain closed to the sleeping platform effectively shutting out Jondalar and Ranec. Both men stared at the curtain, feeling confused and empty inside.

"Why don't the two of you come to our hearth? I'm sure Losaduni will come and get you as soon as he can." Laduni offered, hoping to calm the visitors. 

"I'm not leaving." Ranec firmly stated as he folded his arms across his chest. Before Laduni could make an argument, Jondalar also spoke. "We'll stay here. Thank you just the same."

Laduni nodded, then sat down by the fire. "Well then, I may as well keep the two of you company."

Ayla held Tholiza to her as she laid on her sleeping furs. It was quiet in the cave, and she was relieved that finally, most everyone had left her alone. She didn't know what to tell Jondalar, or Ranec, about last night. She felt bad that they were worried for her but she was worried for herself and her unborn child.

Laduni had spent most of the day in meditation, and Solandia had brought Ayla food and tea, making sure she was comfortable. Laduni had restricted Ayla to bed until he said differently, but Ayla didn't want to go out after her last experience so she didn't protest.

Tholiza kicked her feet as she nursed, and Ayla, who was laying on her side, gently placed a foot in her hand. She remembered when Tholiza was first born. She could have fit four of Tholiza's feet in her hand, that's how small they were. She was growing fast and she was healthy and strong. What more could a mother want for her child?

"Ayla?" She looked up to see Jondalar standing at the corner of the hearth, holding the curtain back. He stepped inside tentatively and sat down on the edge of the sleeping platform. When Tholiza saw him, she let go of the breast she'd been nursing on, and smiled at him. Jondalar cooed a her in return before turning his attention back to Ayla.

He studied her for a moment, then climbed behind her to rub her lower back. "How are you feeling?" 

"Better." She answered quietly. "I'm sorry."

Jondalar stopped his ministrations. "For what?"

"I didn't mean to frighten everyone."

Jondalar wrapped his arm around her as he laid down beside her. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

Ayla shook her head. "I don't know what to do. Lately I think my spirit totem is upset with me. His protection....I can't feel it. I think I angered him when we left the zelandonii."

"Why would you think that? Everything's worked out fine. We've found people to winter with, the Mother has blessed you twice. If She was upset with you, She would have withheld her blessing."

"Maybe. I'm scared Jondalar. When I was out yesterday something happened. I went on a spirit journey, but I didn't try to. One minute I was getting ready to come back to the cave, the next I was flying over the trees back towards the zelandonii lands."

Jondalar frowned. "Are you sure?"

Ayla nodded, then continued. "I saw the glacier, then I was on the other side. I started to go northeast then, towards the great waters of the west. Then, then the Mother's breast came into view and I was falling into it." Ayla started to shake as she repeated her experience and Jondalar held her tighter.

"I will not let anything happen to you Ayla, I promise. I would die before that happened."  
"So would I." They both looked up to see Ranec standing near the curtain. He blushed and looked around the small area. "I uh, was just, I wanted to see how you were doing."

Ayla smiled at him. "I'm fine Ranec. Thank you."

"Ayla," she turned back to Jondalar. "What did you mean when you said your death was near?"

"I'm not sure." Ayla whispered. She was just as confused and puzzled as the rest of them. They turned towards a scratching on the curtain. After a moment, Losaduni walked in. He was bare from the waist up, and had different patterns painted on his body with red and black paste.

"Perhaps I can explain."

Ayla sat up and looked at the man hopefully. When he was One Who Serves, his power radiated from him.

"I've made offerings to the Mother, and went into Her spirit world. There is a battle going on. There are evil spirits that are trying to take you before She calls you. Sometimes, and most people don't know this," he added looking at Ranec and Jondalar, "the Mother's breast also serves another purpose. It's the way to Her underworld."

"So I am going to die!" Ayla cried, anguished and in fear. Losaduni shook his head. "Not necessarily. The spirits aren't after you. They're after your unborn baby. I don't know the purpose of it yet, but while I was in her world, a golden eagle appeared and showed me where he took you."

Ayla gasped, she hadn't mentioned the eagle to anyone. She held her stomach protectively. "Why? Why would they want an innocent baby?"

"It's because the child is innocent. Don't worry. We are not without ways to ward off evil, and we will have a ceremony to protect you and your child. We'll call upon Her and your totem spirits to watch over you until you give birth."

"What if that isn't enough?" Ranec asked, worried.

"Only the Mother knows what the outcome will be. Ayla needs to rest as much as possible between now and when she's due. She's not to be left alone for long periods, and she'll need those closest to her to protect her. If she is drawn into the spirit world against her will again, she'll need someone who loves her, a strong love, to bring her back. She was very lucky that she made it back yesterday."

"I won't leave you Ayla. I promise." Jondalar reassured her. 

"Neither will I." Rance added.

Losaduni nodded. "Good. I'll have Solandia bring all of you some dinner. I have a ceremony to prepare, and then I'll be back."

Ayla pulled back the bison hide at the entrance of the cave and let out a breath. It had been almost a full moon since her 'incident' and she knew she was near her birth time. Though the nightmares had continued, she hadn't been on any spirit journeys. Losaduni had conducted a sacred ceremony and every night made her drink a cup of tea, which Ayla suspected helped curb her ability to dream. Neither Jondalar, nor Ranec left her side the entire time, as they'd promised. The problem was, as much as she appreciated what they were doing for her, she felt restless. She just wanted some time to herself, but Losaduni warned her of what could happen if she indulged that wish.

Lenadia came up to the opening and watched with Ayla. "It's beautiful, isn't it? I love seeing a fresh coating of snow blanket the plain."

"Yes it is." Ayla agreed. Lenadia then smiled at Ayla as she looked at her belly.

"You don't have much longer to wait" Lenadia beamed. It was always a special blessing for the entire cave when a woman gave birth. That meant the Mother was blessing and pleased with them. She was puzzled when Ayla frowned as she held her large stomach.

"I know."

"Is something wrong? You don't seem happy about it."

Ayla forced herself to smile and shook her head. "I'm just a little tired." Which was true, Ayla told herself, so it wasn't as if she were really lying. She watched as Lenadia walked away and closed the flap. The closer she came to giving birth, the more miserable Ayla felt. She was worried for both Jondalar and Ranec, and for herself. She knew, somehow, that no matter who's spirit helped to make her baby, things would never be the same.

Wolf yipped to get her attention and she smiled as he walked patiently towards her. Tholiza was holding onto his fur and Ayla knew from the grip that Wolf wasn't comfortable. The toddler would take a step or two before falling, but not letting go. Wolf patiently waited until the girl would pull herself up, then they'd advance another step or two.

Ayla walked forward as Tholiza smiled at her. Picking the child up and hugging her close, Wolf didn't miss the opportunity to slip away. "What have you been doing? Have you been walking for mama?"

The little girl laughed as she leaned over to get down and go explore again. Ayla complied, then straightened to see something ahead of her. Gasping, she took a step back from the vision.

Ranec had been watching Ayla the entire time she'd been at the cave entrance, and hurried forward. To Ayla, he seemed to come straight through the apparition. Taking her by the shoulders, he looked into the hollow, vague, look in her eyes.

"Ayla, what's wrong? Come on, do you hear me?" His pleas caught the attention from others in the cave and Jondalar, who'd been talking with Losaduni, rushed forward followed quickly by the shorter man.

"Jondalar, get behind her and get ready to catch her" Losaduni instructed as he nudged Ranec out of the way. The people who were in the area gathered around as he held Ayla's face, trying to get a response from her.

Knowing time was of the essence, he pulled his arm back and quickly slapped her hard across the face. No sooner had he done that, did two things happen. Ayla fell back into Jondalar's waiting arms, and Ranec tackled the man to the ground. Wolf then lunged forward and growled menacingly at the downed man.

"What are you doing? Let him go!" Solandia yelled as she came forward. She wanted to pull the dark man off her mate but the wolf kept her, and everyone else at bay.

"How could you!" Ranec spat as he kept the man pinned with his body weight.

"Ayla, Ayla can you hear me?" Jondalar asked as he gently fingered the angry red marks in the shape of a hand on Ayla's face.

Laduni came forward and manhandled Ranec off of One Who Serves, despite the warning growl from Wolf. He glared at the wolf and shoved Ranec towards Ayla and Jondalar. "He was helping her, how dare *you* accost our Holy Man?"

Every member of the cave was now standing in stunned silence at what they'd just seen, and Ranec looked from Ayla, who was starting to come around, then back to the holy man. He hadn't even realized what he'd done at the time. All he knew was that Ayla had been struck. His perfect Muta had been hurt and he would not allow that to happen. As reality struck, he realized just how serious a transgression he'd committed.

"I'm....I'm sorry."

"You should be sorry!" Verdegia spat as she and Solandia helped the man up. 

Ranec looked around at the angry people, then at Ayla. She seemed to be coming around, and for that he was grateful. Murmurs were moving throughout the crowd that caused a pit to form in his stomach.

"See? They've brought nothing but trouble!"

"No wonder the Zelandonii banished them. They'll bring bad luck to our cave."  
"Muna will withdraw all her blessings."

Jondalar pulled himself back into awareness to hear the comments around him, and then noticed Wolf still baring his teeth in a defensive gesture. "Wolf, come here." He commanded and the lupine complied, though he was reluctant about it. "Losaduni, are you alright?" He then asked, concerned.

The Holy Man massaged his arm while he nodded. "Please, don't jump to conclusions. It was a simple misunderstanding, nothing more. Go back to your hearths."

Slowly, with the help of Laduni the people reluctantly went back to their hearths, the mood of the cave subdued.

Jondalar helped Ayla to sit up as Landuni came over to them. "How are you feeling child?" 

"I'm not sure. I saw it."

"What did you see?"  
"I don't know. The darkness. I saw the darkness. It was here, right over there," she pointed.

A few people were still nearby when Ayla made the comment, and they glared at her before heading off to their hearths.

"Did it say what it wanted?" Losaduni asked.

"It all happened so quickly. It's been calling me. Why? Why me?" Ayla beseeched.

Losaduni patted her knee. "Not to worry. Only She knows why these things happen, but I have a good feeling. Not to worry, your child will be born soon, and all this will be nothing more than a bad memory."

"I hope so."

Jondalar helped Ayla stand and they made their way back to the hearth they shared. Ayla spied Solandia putting away her leather work and brushed Jondalar's hold off as she went over to her.

"Solandia?"

The woman didn't look up or acknowledge her so Ayla continued on. "I didn't mean to bring all this here. I just wanted to finally stop traveling. I don't know why the spirits are doing this, but I just wanted you to know that I am sorry."

Solandia sighed as her hands stopped, and she looked up at Ayla. She really did like the woman, and she knew so many different things. She was torn between wanting to tell her everything was ok, and asking her to leave for the sake of the cave, and her own children.

"I know."

Solandia went back to packing up her artwork and Ayla, not knowing what else to say, went over to their hearth. She pulled back the curtain that shut the entire hearth and saw Ranec sitting in the dim light of the small fire. Jondalar was sitting on the opposite platform holding Tholiza, and Wolf was sitting by Ranec.

"We can't keep doing this Jondalar. The Losanduni have taken us into their cave and all we've done, all I've done," she corrected herself, "Is bring misery. We have to leave."

"What? No! Ayla you don't know what you're talking about. It's the height of winter! Where would we go?" Jondalar asked, shocked.

She looked at Ranec who was staring at her, protests waiting to come out, then to Jondalar. "Back to the Zelandonii."

Neither man spoke as they stared at her. Finally Ranec found his voice. "You can't be serious. After everything the two of you have told me? Why would you even want to?" 

Ayla stood and started to pace the small area. Facing the curtain, away from the shocked eyes, she gathered her thoughts. Speaking softly, she turned back around. "The only way to appease the spirits is if we go back. They told me a long time ago that the ninth cave was my home. I didn't listen and I left. I allowed Jondalar's people to banish us without even trying to fight. Now they wont leave me alone. If we don't go back they'll hunt me until I go mad or die!" Her voice had risen as her anxiety came out and after she finished she sat back down. 

Wolf moved to her and sat by her feet as all three stared at each other, then the fire, none speaking.

Finally, Jondalar cleared his throat. "If you want to do this, really want to do this. I'll stand by you Ayla. But I don't know what we'll accomplish. They won't change their minds about us. When would you want to leave?" He asked, hoping she'd at least have enough sense to want to wait until after the baby was born. Knowing her though, he could never tell what she may want to do.

"Tomorrow. The day after at the latest."

Ranec shook his head as he stood. It was his time to pace. "No. You can't go until the baby is born. Don't you remember what happened last time? You need other women around."

Ayla shivered at the memories. The last thing she wanted was to go through what she did the last time. She somehow knew though, that if they didn't leave right away either she or her baby wouldn't be alive come spring.

"We need to leave now." She repeated knowing the odds.

Ranec turned to Jondalar. "Talk some sense into her!" He finished exasperated.

Jondalar looked at the woman he loved and knew her mind was made up. Her hair shown in the light from the fire and she looked just like a Doni with her full breasts and blessed stomach. Ayla felt his gaze on her and looked up into his vivid blue eyes. When he smiled at her, she felt her heart leap and her pulse begin to race.

Without taking his eyes off her, he smiled and spoke. "I trust Ayla's judgment, though I don't always understand it. If she says we need to leave, then we'll leave."

Ranec threw his arms in the air as he sat back down on his furs with a thud. Both looked over at him expectantly.

"All right! We'll go."

Ayla smiled in relief as Jondalar hugged her. They were surprised to hear a scratching on the hide.

"Come in."

"Madenia, what are you doing here?" Jondalar asked as the young woman glanced nervously behind her before shutting the curtain.

"Come and sit." Ayla scooted over and patted the spot in-between her and Jondalar.

"Thanks." 

Madenia wouldn't look at any of them, and Ayla placed her hand on her back in a comforting measure. "Are you feeling ok?" She asked.

Madenia looked at Ayla with tears in her eyes. Since they'd been back, she and Ayla had talked a lot more and Ayla was like an older sister to her. "I don't want you to leave!" She wailed then hugged Ayla fiercely.

Ayla stroked her hair as she cried and rocked her gently. "We both knew that we'd have to leave sometime. My spirit guide is telling me that I need to go home. It won't be easy, and we may never be accepted, but I have to at least try. Can you understand that?"

Madenia nodded into Ayla's shoulder, and after a moment sat up. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, and Ranec leaned over and handed her a soft rabbit skin for her nose.

"Thank you." She felt embarrassed with the dark eyes of the carver on her showing such concern. "I want to go with you when you leave." She announced, rendering her audience speechless.

"Madenia, think about what you're saying. We don't even know if we'll be accepted. What about Verdegia? She'll miss you and you may never see her again."

"I don't care. I've thought about this for a long time. About leaving. There is too much here to remind me of what happened. No one looks at me the same as before...."

"Before?" Ranec asked, but Ayla shook her head. Now was not the time to bring up bad memories.

"I was going to leave on my own, go on a long journey. I'd rather go with you. If you'll have me. There's nothing for me here anymore."

"You still have your birth status." Jondalar offered.

"I don't care about status! Status can't make it go away, can it? Can it make people stop talking about me at the summer gatherings? I'm tired of being stared at and made fun of."

Ayla frowned as Madenia poured her heart out. She knew that something had been bothering the girl, woman, she corrected herself, but she hadn't known it was this deep.

"People, no matter where you live, can sometimes be cruel. Most of the time its out of fear."

"Fear? Why would anyone fear me?" Madenia asked, exasperated.

"People fear what they don't understand. What happened to you with Charoli, they don't understand."

"It wasn't my fault!" Madenia wailed.

Ranec looked on in puzzlement. He hadn't really spent too much time with the beautiful young woman, but that didn't mean he hadn't noticed her. A beautiful woman always caught his eye. He was drawn to it by the artist in him. He'd tried to feel her out once or twice, but she had always avoided his tentative gestures. Deciding she just wasn't interested, he looked elsewhere for companionship. Now it seemed there was more to her shyness than he'd first imagined.

"I didn't ask them to attack me! They forced me and I'm the one being punished for it! I saw them at the last summer meeting. Sure they were made to give retribution to our cave and mother for what they did, but what about me? I still went through with first rites because you told me to not turn my back on pleasures because of them, but it wasn't pleasures." Madenia seemed to realize that the two men were also listening to her, and stopped talking abruptly. Redness tinged her cheeks as she looked down.

"Did he hurt you? The man you picked for your first pleasures?" Ayla asked concerned.

"Hah....picked? Do you think any man would agree to share first rites with me after what had happened? Losaduni had to arrange someone. I didn't even know him. He was from one of the eastern camps. He was also so old! They couldn't find anyone else." She paused, realizing that she hadn't answered Ayla's question. "No, he didn't hurt me. But....it wasn't like what you and Jondalar shared." She answered quietly. She couldn't bring herself to look at Jondalar, but if she had, she would have seen the same blush creep to his face.

"What will your mother think if you leave?" Ayla asked, trying to make sure that if Madenia wanted to leave, she'd think through all aspects first.

"I hardly ever talk to her anymore. She's given up on trying to mate me off, and I don't think I can stand to live with her any longer."

Ayla looked at Jondalar over her head, who nodded, then she looked to Ranec. When he also agreed, she spoke. "If you'd like to join us, you're more than welcome. We'll be leaving the day after tomorrow."

Madenia let out a relieved breath and hugged Ayla again. "Thank you! I'll be a big help, you'll see."  
"I'm sure you will be." Ayla laughed and watched as Madenia practically skipped out of the hearth.


	5. Shadows of the Past last part

It was well before dawn when Ayla, Jondalar and Ranec had finished packing their belongings. Both horses were ready to go with the travois, and only a small handful of people knew they were leaving.

Losaduna decided it was best to keep their departure quiet since the idea of Madenia leaving with them was vehemently objected. Though there were plenty of voices speaking out, none could match the volume or sharpness as Verdegia. As long as she was alive, there would be no way a daughter of hers would follow around people who drew evil to them.

Losaduna, as well as Laduni and Solandia, as leaders of the cave had all agreed that Madenia was a grown woman and needed to make her own decisions. It would also perhaps give her the fresh start she was looking for. It was well known that as long as she was with the Losandunai she would never be accepted fully. Charoli had taken something that she couldn't regain.

Madenia quietly made her way through the cave, a fairly good sized pack over her shoulder. 

"I'll take that for you," Laduni whispered and smiled down at the young woman. Madenia smiled up at him, tears held in check. Losaduna came forward and placed his arm around her shoulder pulling her to him. After giving her a heartfelt hug, he studied her face.

"You're sure about your decision?"

Madenia nodded. "I finally feel alive again. I can't explain it, but I _know_everything will be fine now."

Losaduna nodded and smiled. As a spirit leader of the cave, he had to make sure that all the members of the cave understood, and thought through, important decisions. Over the past two days he'd spoken with Madenia extensively making sure she'd thought everything through.

Jondalar turned to go when he saw Filonia come up to him. He smiled at the woman who was responsible for bringing a piece of Thonolin's spirit to this world. Thonolia was with her, and the little girl, well, not so little any longer, he thought, was clinging to her mother's side.

"I'm going to miss you Jondalar. I wish we could go with you so Marthona could see Thonolia. I'm sure that would make her feel better."  
"I know. When I told her that a piece of his spirit was still on this world, she couldn't have been happier. Perhaps one day you can come on a trading expedition and introduce them." Jondalar then stooped down beside the fair haired child. "Or maybe when you're old enough you'll want to make that journey on your own." The girl moved forward and hugged the man tightly before her mother picked her up and carried her back to the visitors hearth.

Lanalia approached him next and smiled coyly. She had been really taken by him when he'd first visited with his brother, and more than one part of her wished that he would have stayed and mated with her. She never did end up mating and after years of hoping, gave up on the Mother blessing her.

She thought of the conversation Ayla had with her before, and thought perhaps she'd give it a try. After all, Ayla did possess many different gifts and was indeed a chosen of Duna. One morning they had waken earlier than most of the cave, and they shared a cup of tea together. Lanalia prepared her tea as she always did, rose hips, golden thread, and mint. Somehow their conversation turned to children and Lanalia had confided in Ayla that she always wanted children, but the Mother never blessed her. Ayla then said something strange. She told her to stop drinking her normal tea, and share pleasures as often as possible. Lanalia knew that those who honored the Mother were more likely to be blessed, but the tea? That was something she hadn't heard before. Ayla had given her a pouch with a different blend, and told her how to prepare it. She still didn't believe Ayla when she said it wasn't too late for her to be blessed, and told her to not use golden thread. Ayla was so confident that she'd be blessed Lanalia decided to try it. Yesterday was the first morning that she hadn't drank her tea. Pulling herself back to the present.

"Again you're leaving." She stated and Jondalar leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. 

"It seems so." He quietly whispered. 

She hugged him tightly and then walked quickly back to her hearth. She had already said her good-byes to the others, and it would do none of them any good for her to start crying.

Ayla looked around at the closed hearths and sighed. She didn't want to leave this way. She had really come to love these people and the last thing she wanted was to sneak out in the middle of the night. She felt that leaving this way gave ammunition to those who had spoken against them. She would truly miss a lot of the friends they'd made here, and hoped that one day they could return to visit.

It was time she, no they, returned home now. If she had listened to the spirits to begin with, then perhaps the last two years of traveling without a cave of their own would never have happened.

Though Ayla was worried about her baby, and giving birth without shelter, she knew that they had to go. Her spirit guides were waiting for her at the 9th cave of the Zelandonii, and she, Ayla of the Lion Camp of the Mamutoi, Chosen by the Cave Lion, Protected by the Cave Bear, and Daughter of the Mammoth hearth, would not let them down again.

CONTINUED IN **"DANCE WITH THE WIND"**


End file.
